Walking Down the Aisle...

Yesterday I once again wiled away time even though I knew I had so much to do. As I sat in front of my computer desperately trying to get my thoughts together for some (or should I say "all"...)the work I had to accomplish, I aimlessly surfed through blog after blog and friendster account after friendster account...it dawned on me that so many of my friends have updated their profiles and changed their pictures...while I am happy to see how backgrounds change from the ordinary day to day to beautiful sights of tourist spots they're in, to new mommies and daddies proudly showing off their babies or perhaps, showing off their children's latest accomplishments, and yes, to radiant brides walking down the aisle and kissing their handsome princes, I couldn't help but suddenly feel a sad sort of longing....not longing really for what they have, but longing for that thing that will make my heart sing again. It's not necessarily a new love I am longing for, I think...but for that feeling of giddy anticipation and bright-eyed wonder. I seem to have forgotten that. In my quest to be the best in what I do and to accomplish things I thought I wanted to, I forgot to embrace the present and smile at the new day. In many ways, I started wandering aimlessly around a world I knew nothing of.

In the midst of that lonely moment of longing, I saw a glimmer of a rainbow that hid behind the clouds for such a long time. You see, I hadn't seen that for so long. It dawned on me that all the while it was there but I kept trying too hard and too much for it to be the color I wanted it to be. I kept on criticizing and complaining that it was not the right shade or it wasn't the right shape, without realizing that I was missing out on the beauty it still had.

So there it was, I was feeling sad and teary-eyed wishing for things I didn't have without being glad for what it was I had. And so while I offer my congratulations and best wishes to friends and family who are "walking down the aisle" --- be it in marriage, at work or whatever phase they are in in their own journeys, I too take pride in donning my finest and walking down my aisle...wherever that may lead.

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Leap of Faith

I recently found myself at a crossroad, unsure of what I should do or how I feel or even who I am. All I knew was that I was spinning out of control. For someone like me, that 's very hard to admit. I may not he the type to keep my room or car neat and tidy but when it comes to the way things are in my life, I just need to know that everything is working the way it "ought to be". It doesn't necessarily have to be alright, it just has to be the way it's supposed to be. I guess having things "the way they should be" allows me a sense of security in the otherwise unsafe, unsure world. As such, it provides me a level of comfort that truly makes it easier to deal with things around me. Simply knowing what is expected and what my role in these gives me a sense of assurance, especially since I need to know I'm doing well. So just imagine how hard that was for me to just shut my eyes and just take that leap of faith...and to finally admit that I CAN’T.

There are a few words in the English language that I have trouble saying: first is NO. Second, I need help; last but not the least is I can't. However, the past few weeks was filled with those three phrases. It was driving me up the wall. It had gotten to the point when I didn’t even wanna get up in the morning anymore. All I felt was like a dark cloud was coming over me, taking over everything in sight and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see the light.

So there I was in the midst of trying to figure out whether or not I should step into the unknown and unsure or to stick with the safe and secure.Then by sheer coincidence, I chanced upon a song by last years’ American Idol, Carrie Underwood. The song was “Jesus Take the Wheel” and though it was the first time I heard it, for some reason it struck a chord in me. It made me realize that the reason why I was struggling was because I kept insisting on doing it “my way”, or the way I thought “it ought to be”. I kept on driving the way I wanted, even if it was across the wrong freeway.

That stubbornness and insistence on keeping things the way they were became like a rock tied to my ankle. As it dragged me deeper and deeper into the ocean I could no longer fight. I always thought of myself as a survivor: a fighter, a swimmer – a strong person. But no matter how strong swimmer I was or how good I fighter I was, I was facing my greatest opponent yet: myself.

Finally my head bobbed above water and I found a buoy I could hang on to. And my gosh, I hung to it as hard as I could. It was Jesus, reminding me that even if I had let go of His hand and insisted on driving myself. And so that’s what I did. I held on tight and gave up control of the wheel and allowed Jesus to just take it from me. When I did, it felt like that I dropped that weight and broke through the surface. With a big gulp of air and the glorious sunshine once more caressing my face, I felt safe. I found peace and for the first time in so long, slept the whole night through.

I gave up my job, not knowing what’s in store. Of course I will admit that in some small way, I have a fall-back what with my undergrad classes and clinical work. But nevertheless, I gave up my main job. The one that really paid the bills and made sure I had what I needed. I guess for so long I’ve slathered on so much icing on my cake, that I don’t even know what my cake really looks like anymore. So slowly I’m taking it off in the hopes that once more, I find the “me” who got lost in oblivion.

I will not deny that I still am afraid, and that doubts slowly creep in, but nevertheless, I know I am in good hands. However, a lot of times it is hard to just believe that things will go well even though in my heart I know it’s true. I guess that’s really what taking the plunge, the leap of faith, is truly all about.

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Jesus, Take the Wheel(James/Lindsey/Sampson)

She was drivin' last friday on her way to cincinnati

On a snow white Christmas EveGoin' home to see her Momma and her Daddy

With her baby in a back seat

Fifty miles to go and she was runnin' low

On faith and gasolineIt'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention

She was goin' way too fast

Before she knew it she was spinnin on thin black sheet of glass

She saw both their lives flash before her eyesShe didn't even have time to cry

She was so scared, she threw her hands up in the air

(Chorus)

Jesus take the wheel

Take it from my hands'

Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go

Give me one more chance

Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder and that car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the back seat sleepin' like a rock
For the first time in a long time she bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the wayI've been livin' my lifeI know I've got to change
So from now on tonight
(Repeat chorus)

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It's Complicated

People around me ask, "are you with anyone now?" or "are you in a relationship" and I reply, "It's complicated"...how can one honestly give away her heart when she has none to give? Perhaps this whole blog is an addendum to a previous post (A Lifetime) but I guess, the best answer I can give right now for that question is just that: ITS COMPLICATED...in fact...it's more complicated than I can even understand. All I know is, I once gave my heart away, or so I thought I did, and up to now, it never found its way back to me.

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Always Greener

A few days ago, I finally caught one of my best friends online. It has been years since we've really talked and chatting with her kinda brought me back to when things were so much simpler...when all we worried about was passing the geom finals or physics exam (well, at least I worried hehehe, she never had that problem ;-p )...when problems were limited to not having enough allowance for a movie and popcorn...and when everything could be solved by a bag of Taco Bell or Nacho Cheese Doritos and a bottle of Tequila...

It hit me (or if I may say so, us) that life right now has not just gotten more complicated, but it seems that it has lost it's sense of completion. What I mean here is not that life has lost its purpose, but it seems to have lost a tangible goal in sight. A goal that would actually mean a "finish" to something. Unlike when we we're younger, we had a finish line in sight, be it graduation, finishing college, earning a masters degree, getting a job, or marriage. Now, it's like no matter how hard you work and how much money you make, there's no end in sight. Like she asked, then what? Have kids, they get older, move out, then we're back to where we started...asking "now what???".

A conclusion we arrived at is that, no matter how cliche it sounds, the grass is alway greener in the other pasture. It's not that we don't appreciate the grass around us, it just seems that when you look up, something looks better somewhere else. Take for example the two of us. She's in the States making a great future for herself....earning well, settling down with a husband, buying her first home...but she still admits she hasn't found out what it is she really wants. Likewise, here I am making a great future for myself...sure no husband, no great future or new home, but a career I am proud of and dedicated to, but admittedly still searching for that thing to make it all complete.

That night, I had a strange dream. I dreamt I entered a mall and went window shopping. I saw so many things I wanted and sure I purchased a few items but there was still so much I wanted that I didn't have enough for. When closing time came, I got ready to walk to my car. Thing is, I couldn't find my way to the parking lot where my car is. It seemed that every where I looked, there was a better exit to take. One that was the safest, the nearest, etc. But everytime I took that exit, it was wrong. It was like the exit was always across from where I was.

It's been a few days since then and it hasn't really left me. It just hit me that maybe my dream had some connection to our conversation. I think that we, as humans, kinda get sidetracked by so much that seems better up ahead that we don't sit back and enjoy the present. We work so hard to make more money, to be the best, to reach the finish line...then when we get there we realize, now what?

What I learned from this is that yes, the grass may seem always be greener somewhere else. As it should be. If everything was the same, then what purpose would we have in life then? We'd just be living for subsistence, wouldn't we? But this time instead of getting consumed with the question of how to get to the place where the grass is greener, we should think about how we can make our grass greener too. Maybe it never will be as green as other pastures, but then again, maybe that's only from our jaded lenses.

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A Lifetime

Today I received an email entitled "Advice from Oprah for Girls". As the FLCD Circle's resident Oprah wannabe back in college, I couldn't help but smile as I waited for the page to open. As I read through the list, I must admit a bit of my heartstrings got tugged once more. The email ended with this saying: "They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them." In many ways, it said exactly what I have been thinking.

Earlier this evening I had a conversation with yet another one of my best friends, and she asked me if he was out of the picture. Although I adamantly said he hasn't been in the picture for the longest time, I couldn't help but think (or should I say ask?) myself if indeed it was true. By sheer coincidence (or a twist of fate) the email found its way to my inbox this evening.

I guess, yes, he is out of the picture. But I know in my heart that no matter what, snapshots of memories never really get "out of the picture". Maybe they fade off in the background or perhaps become overshadowed by new memories, but in the deep recesses of the heart, mind and soul, it still exists. I don't even think a lifetime is enough to forget them...

But isn't that what it's all about? That one moment that changes you...that makes you see the brilliance of color and appreciate the radiance of life in all hues and shades. And though there may be a cloud of gray, or even worse, the darkness of dispair, in the end, it still changes you. No matter what, in the end, it changes you for the better.

So there...it does take a minute to find someone who turns your world upside down, and hour to appreciate the roller coaster ride, a day to love it, and a lifetime to get over it --- a lifetime because the journey that comes after it becomes part of one's metamorphosis into a better, more beautiful, stonger self. And in the end, I don't think I really wanna get "over it", at least from the way we know getting over it means. I know I have gotten over the resentment, bitterness and pain, but I'll never get over the moment that someone made me find a side of me that I never appreciated (or acknowledged for that matter). Because of that moment, I learned to love --- not just another, but to love myself. That will stay with me for more than a lifetime.

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Bubba

When Bubba first came into our home, I said there was no way I was gonna like him. After all, I hate dogs. I hate the fact that they’re so dirty and smelly, I hate the way they’re all slobbery and messy, I hate how they ruin everything around…I could go on forever. But as the days progressed, the little creature slowly worked his way into my heart. Much as I didn’t wanna admit it, it made me smile when he’d come running to the gate when I’d come home from a long day’s work. Whenever he’d do a trick I’d teach him, it made me feel a bit glad. Still, even with those minor concessions, I still wasn’t ready to admit I was smitten.

Then one night while we were taking a walk, I realized it was not really “Bubba” that I said I wouldn’t like. In many ways, I chose not to allow him into my heart because by doing so, I would set myself up for another goodbye somewhere down the road. I’ve had to say goodbye too many times in my life already, and I didn’t need another one. Why set myself up for the pain and sadness that ultimately comes in the end? It has always been difficult for me to form attachments to people, especially those I wasn’t sure would stick around to begin with. It’s no surprise I was a champion for the Single Since Birth Club for the longest time. Furthermore, I've been disappointed by people too many times already. Why add another one to my list?

It's not like I'm a loner or anything like that, but I never really allow anyone to come too close unless I was sure they were for keeps. In fact, till this day, it is a struggle for me to open my arms and embrace new people and opportunities that come my way. Surprising isn’t it? After all, I myself would admit I don’t look like I’d be the shy type. I guess it’s like the way I try not to show how I really feel. Unless you know the real “me”, you’d never know how much I’ve been through because you might not see past the mask of confident kakikayan and the assuming aura of “the cono rich kid” that I’m so often mistaken for! Furthermore, often times, people don’t get to see beyond the persona of the intelligent achiever, the roles I play and the “titles” I wear. It seems that my accomplishments speak too loudly for themselves that others don’t see beyond them. However, when one sees beyond the façade, they see that I’m just a simple girl who just wants the simplest thing many people take for granted.

I never realized though that because I kept on putting up a wall to shield myself from potential losses, I shut myself out from potential gains as well. Maybe risks aren’t that bad…after all, I so often take risks professionally why not personally as well? And though none of these offer any guarantees, the possible payoff might be worth the risk.

Also, much like the stinking, slobbering dog I swore to hate, loving and living isn't always gonna be neat and perfect. Along the way, I realize there will be a lot of stinky messed up moments that may be disgusting, diappointing or frustrating. But what good will a perfect life be if it were all alone?

Okay, okay, I begrudgingly admit it...I have fallen again. This time, I'm not afraid of making the mistake and of the hurt that may come along with it. Who knows, maybe this time, it wouldn't end that way. And maybe, just maybe, I won't be alone anymore. No matter what happens though, even if I ended up with a goodbye down the road, I wouldn't be completely alone because of what I have gained along the way.

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If you only knew...

If you only knew what lies behind this painted mask, you would understand. You'd understand that there's so much left unseen.
If you only knew what hides behind the shadows of my smile, you would see it isn't there. You'd see the tears left uncried.
If you only knew that behind the shield of this warrior lays a scared little girl who's too afraid to admit she can't....
she can't let go...
she can't be brave...
she can't keep on pretending...
but till then, inside she shall remain,
hidden from the truth.
Hiding from reality.
Struggling to break free.

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Stuck in A Rut

It's the new year and yet I feel like I got left behind in 2005. I don't know what it is, or why it is so but for some inexplicable reason, I can’t shake it off. It’s not that I’m feeling sorry for myself or am falling into another round of self-pity, but it just feels like I can’t find pleasure in anything I am doing now, well, save for the new class I’m handling. What I’m getting at is that it feels like I’m falling back into old patterns, going through the motions again and living life in a cycle that never seems to end. Well, as much as I know life is a cycle that keeps on going, I just kinda feel like I’m stuck in this rut, not moving forward, not going anywhere, but hopelessly, helplessly stuck. I can’t even get motivated enough to get back to work, or to uphold the standards I usually set for myself. Everything I’ve been doing in the past few weeks have been mediocre and half-hearted. Purpose seems to have lost meaning right now.The last time I felt like this I ended up in the hospital and losing eighty pounds. The weight loss may have been worth the while, but nonetheless, I hate this feeling.

I was just telling Kai the other day that sometimes, friendster doesn’t really help with this feeling. Especially now that my friends are all getting married (yes, Mons, I’ll get a nice dress!!!), Kai just bought her own home, Iris had another baby, Che and Angie are almost done with med school…haaayyy…and I feel like I’m still in the same place they left me. It’s like, what have I done or what have I got to show for myself. Worse still, who do I have to show this to. In a small way, yeah, I guess it’s feeling sorry for myself.

It’s not that I think I haven’t done anything worthwhile, but moments like this make me question my decisions in life --- personally, professionally, emotionally. Have I really made the right ones? Or am I just sticking to the decisions I’ve made because I don’t wanna admit I made a mistake? Take for example how I’ve always said I don’t mind being single because it gives me the freedom to do things I want to do, when I want to do it, etcetera etcetera. I kinda wonder sometimes how much I really mean that and how much I use it to cover up for feeling bad for myself for not having someone to share my life with. Similarly, although I love my job and enjoy being a teacher, sometimes I ask if I keep teaching really because I love it or because I love the comfort of knowing I am good at what I do. Don’t get me started on the financial part of it too!!! Even though I know I can never buy fulfillment, I still have to ask myself if I am fulfilled even without the financial comfort I know I can have it I left the country or did something else. I guess that’s why I keep holding on to people, places and things I know I should let go of. And probably why I still haven’t gotten my heart back --- not just to love others but to love myself again.

What I hate most about this feeling is that not only does it make me question myself, it makes me doubt my entire psyche. Not only that, it makes me feel like I’m so alone. I went out with my best friends last night and even that wasn’t enough to pull me out of this rut I’m in. I know it’s not them, but I just couldn’t find something to be happy about. I was glad to have the change to be with them again but the feeling of insecurity kept creeping in.
It’s like an endless cycle, the discussion I’m having in my head. The whole I know “everything happens for a reason” and the “all these makes me a better person” yadiyadiya…

I’m starting to think in rhetorics and philosophizing sure as hell doesn’t do much. I just know that despite these depressive, downed feelings, I know everything I’ve done or been through are important facets of who I am now. Doesn’t make it any simpler to accept or what, but nevertheless, it’s what keeps me afloat.

I feel like a used up computer with a virus right now and the only solution I can think of is hitting reboot or getting reformatted. But how can I reformat just the bad part and not lose the important stuff?

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Shoppaholic Strikes Again

I wouldn't recommend a trip to the mall when you're in a bad mood. For the past few days, I've been in such a "blah" mood that I just can't seem to shake.Furthermore, I can't seem to place my finger on what it is....or should I say I don't wanna put my finger on?!? It's kinda getting to me already and I ain't coping very well!!! I've got a sore throat coz I've eaten a whole bunch of popsicles followed by half a bag of Hershey's miniatures (thank God I remembered the incentive I said I'd give my students for a make up class...made me stop chomping on it!!!). I've been ultra super sungit too. Not just that, I'm also super duper lazy that I'm starting to feel so ashamed of myself for my incompetence at the clinic.

So today I finally finished the psych report I needed to have done for a client since eons ago and got up to drop off my mom in Starbucks. Decided to walk around the mall and just cool off. Not a very good idea...ended up shopping for a bunch of stuff I don't really need. To top it off, stuff I don't really have the cash to for.

What pisses me off more than anything is the actual truth that I'm trying to avoid...behind the shopping sprees and chocolate binges is a feeling of sadness that I can't shake off because of irrational thoughts that shouldn't really be. I said yesterday that disappointment is such a bitter pill to swallow. And like any medicine, you know you kinda have to take it even though it sucks coz without it you can't get well. In the past few weeks, I had more than enough doses of it to last me a lifetime!!! Because of being thrown off guard, I can't seem to get my bearings back. Just because of that simple disappointment (which shouldn't even be), I feel like everything I've been working for just crumbled and has lost all meaning.

What actually makes swallowing disappointment is the ring of truth behind it. Even though in my head I know things will work out for the best and that I shouldn't feel badly about things but in my heart of hearts, I feel so so so bad. In as much as I understand that things don't always go my way, and that change is a good thing, I can't help but feel hurt by the unfolding of these events. I'd probably think this is what a parent feels when her child disappoints her so badly. And though the feeling of compassion, understanding and agreement comes along, that bitter sting is still lurking inside.

It started out with one disappointment, then another came, then yet another...I sorta feel, in a small way, that the universe is conspiring against me!!! Take today's shopping spree for instance...everytime I asked for a medium in something, they'd only have large, but when I ask for large, there's only medium! In my head I know it isn't me and it's just coincidence but the whole feeling of irrationality still rears it's ugly head.

One of these thoughts that I can't seem to erase is the thought that "I'm not good enough" and "kasi ako e" (because it's me). Sorta pessimistic, sure, defeatist as well, but parang di ko maiwasan maisip na if it were someone else, then "no" would not be an answer.

We're also going through a lot of financial difficulties at work and as one of the heads, this is a big problem I have to worry about. Dealing with the financial problems is easy to bear, but what bothers me more is what people say about the way my partner and I are running things. Don't they realize that I'm giving it more than I can??? Leadership skills is not a problem for me, but being the boss is. I may not know how to balance it, or to be an effective boss, but in terms of getting the job I know I do a hell of a great job. Nevertheless, it seems not good enough. And what bothers me most is that people think I wasn't good enough. Funny thing is, these people aren't even around to see me do the job!

Haaaahhhh....on a personal level, I hate how I've gone on God knows how many first dates in the past six months and still, nothing there...and what is so dumb, stupid, crazy, insane (should I go on???) is that it's still the same damned reason why no one has still come close to getting in to where only HE still remains. And yes, the feeling of me not being good enough for him...haaay....

Like this guy, I've been missing my friends. Time, distance and relationships have made our friendships so different. Different in a good way but nonetheless, there are days when it saddens me and it makes me think about how I wish I were a bit more like them...as much as I am professionally successful, in other areas, they seem so much luckier than me. Here I am with a great career, a wonderful future, and lot's of opportunities, but at the end of the day, I'm alone while they get married, have kids, and live the dream I always had. Irrational thinking but emotionally true. I'm not complaining, and I'm sure they may feel the same way from time to time. They probably have times when they wish they have what I have but still I can't stop feeling this way on days like this.

Yes, in my head, I know it's not me. And that disappointments are part of making things better, much like the rain that washes away the gray of the day to let the rainbow shine. Nevertheless, sometimes a little too much rain is hard to deal with.

My coping skills, as I said, aren't very good. After that chocolate binge, I feel so fat and ugly. After my lousy performance in the clinic, I feel so incompetent. After everything thats gone on...the only thing I've got going is my adorable wardrobe...but I gotta fit into it first!!!

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To be edited....

There's an unmistakable chill in the air nowadays, a sure sign that Christmas is just around the corner. I just can't seem to get myself in the mood for the season...For one, it is at Christmastime that I miss one of the most important people in my life: my lolo. It's been 8 years since he's passed but I still miss him so much, especially in times like this. Secondly, I've been so overwrought with disappointments these passed few weeks that I can't shake off the irrational thoughts that came along with it.

Disappointment is such a bitter pill to swallow, even though you know you must take it to get better. It's so hard to break through the irrational thoughts, the pain and sadness, the regret and longing...I could go on and on. Times like this kinda makes me feel like the world is against me and though in my head I know it isn't so, my heart can't seem to feel the same.

Last week I had to take another dose of that bitter medicine once again, and even though I took it willingly, I couldn't help but feel so badly about it. I just hate it when things don't go the way I planned and when something like that happens, it starts to feel like a top spinning out of control. No matter how hard I try to stop it, the spinning and spiraling goes on leaving me breathless, dejected and lost. To make it worse, one thing leads to another thus complicating the situation. It's like one bad thing leads to another than to another than to another.

I can't even get my thoughts straight for this post, so I'll end it with this first. Where's my silver lining when I need it???

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Goody Two Shoes

I used to be hate being called "Goody Two Shoes". Anytime my sister and I would have an argument, she knew that calling me that would be my Achilles heel. It's not really that I dislike being a "good girl" but I dislike it being held against me. For me, there is nothing wrong with doing the right thing, right? But no matter what, when it is used as a point against you, it can bring a stinging blow to your ego.

In as much as being called a goody two shoes can be annoying, I guess that's also why I've never had "real" problems. Not that life has been perfect, but no matter how difficult things get, I always make it through. Karma? Maybe. And I guess that's also why I tend to be too gullible with people.

Tonight, however, I caught the movie Flight Plan (which was great but quite anxiety provoking!!!) made me think, why do bad things happen to good people? Although I believe that God gives us trials which He knows we can bare and that no matter how bad it is, there is a purpose, why can't He just give it to someone who "deserves" it?

I think it was epiphanous (is that a word??? maybe I should just say it was an epipahny) in terms of my thesis. In the past few weeks, I have been thinking, debating and agonizing over it. Then it dawned on me, why not pursue this question: why do bad things happen to good people? No - that's not the topic, but it is a question I am sure my target group asked at one point or another. I'm thinking of looking into the journey one takes in transition to a specific issue (haven't decided yet, but something to the effect of transition to being diagnosed with cancer or something, definitely something not widely studied yet!). Bottom line, no matter how bad things get, good people still make it through with a smile. What accounts for that? I don't really know, call it personal strengths, or self-efficacy, but it can never be denied that there is something greater then that. Some people may call it Karma, but I think it's Divine Intervention.

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The "root" of evil...

Just before logging on, I was ranting and blabbing away because I was so pissed at my grandmother. Like most Filipino families, I live with an extended family. As the only "single" apo (grandchild) left, I have the fortunate-unfortunate task of living with my grandmother. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't love my grandmother, we just don't get along. At all. Anyway, what was so darned annoying is the triviality of my annoyance this evening...it started with pandesal. I don't get the idea of having to lock up food in her room refrigerator where it is so inconvenient to get some when we have a big one in the kitchen. I never got the concept of "our" food in regards to the maids. In the Philippines, most homes have maids and for some reason, there is a clear distinction between "our" food and "their" food. This is something I can never understand...anyway, it pissed me off that she refused to listen to my point about it being inconvenient and difficult, as well as insulting, that she has to keep the food away for fear that the maids take it. For me, it's just food. And I'd like to believe our maids are not that trivial that they'd risk thier jobs for a piece of bread, right??? So there I was ranting and raving when I read Doubleknot's blog on getting mad. It made me think of a comment my friend made just last night.

I've been out of commission for a few days because of a horribly, terribly painful toothache. I had gone in for a simple dental procedure when my dentist accidentally hit a nerve. Although it is a possible side effect or complication that occurs, it doesn't erase the fact that I was in extreme agony. I actually am still in quite some pain now and the difficult part is that pain relievers are not offering much relief anymore. My nerves are screaming for morphine!!!! In the height of my suffering, I said "what have I done to deserve this torture???" my friend replied: "it's karma for your evilness". When I asked her to explain, she said it's karma for my inability to hold my tongue. She said this was a reminder that I need to keep my tongue in check because I tend to let it get the better of me. When I stop and think about it, she may be right, hehehe. I guess for me, my mouth is "the root of all evil"...and though I am not saying I will not verbalize my anger anymore, I can try to be a little more cautious in ranting away...after all, the tongue can be a double edged sword. Likewise, once hurtful, angry words are said, it can never be taken away.

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