January 12, 2006

Stuck in A Rut

It's the new year and yet I feel like I got left behind in 2005. I don't know what it is, or why it is so but for some inexplicable reason, I can’t shake it off. It’s not that I’m feeling sorry for myself or am falling into another round of self-pity, but it just feels like I can’t find pleasure in anything I am doing now, well, save for the new class I’m handling. What I’m getting at is that it feels like I’m falling back into old patterns, going through the motions again and living life in a cycle that never seems to end. Well, as much as I know life is a cycle that keeps on going, I just kinda feel like I’m stuck in this rut, not moving forward, not going anywhere, but hopelessly, helplessly stuck. I can’t even get motivated enough to get back to work, or to uphold the standards I usually set for myself. Everything I’ve been doing in the past few weeks have been mediocre and half-hearted. Purpose seems to have lost meaning right now.The last time I felt like this I ended up in the hospital and losing eighty pounds. The weight loss may have been worth the while, but nonetheless, I hate this feeling.

I was just telling Kai the other day that sometimes, friendster doesn’t really help with this feeling. Especially now that my friends are all getting married (yes, Mons, I’ll get a nice dress!!!), Kai just bought her own home, Iris had another baby, Che and Angie are almost done with med school…haaayyy…and I feel like I’m still in the same place they left me. It’s like, what have I done or what have I got to show for myself. Worse still, who do I have to show this to. In a small way, yeah, I guess it’s feeling sorry for myself.
It’s not that I think I haven’t done anything worthwhile, but moments like this make me question my decisions in life --- personally, professionally, emotionally. Have I really made the right ones? Or am I just sticking to the decisions I’ve made because I don’t wanna admit I made a mistake? Take for example how I’ve always said I don’t mind being single because it gives me the freedom to do things I want to do, when I want to do it, etcetera etcetera. I kinda wonder sometimes how much I really mean that and how much I use it to cover up for feeling bad for myself for not having someone to share my life with. Similarly, although I love my job and enjoy being a teacher, sometimes I ask if I keep teaching really because I love it or because I love the comfort of knowing I am good at what I do. Don’t get me started on the financial part of it too!!! Even though I know I can never buy fulfillment, I still have to ask myself if I am fulfilled even without the financial comfort I know I can have it I left the country or did something else. I guess that’s why I keep holding on to people, places and things I know I should let go of. And probably why I still haven’t gotten my heart back --- not just to love others but to love myself again.
What I hate most about this feeling is that not only does it make me question myself, it makes me doubt my entire psyche. Not only that, it makes me feel like I’m so alone. I went out with my best friends last night and even that wasn’t enough to pull me out of this rut I’m in. I know it’s not them, but I just couldn’t find something to be happy about. I was glad to have the change to be with them again but the feeling of insecurity kept creeping in.
It’s like an endless cycle, the discussion I’m having in my head. The whole I know “everything happens for a reason” and the “all these makes me a better person” yadiyadiya…
I’m starting to think in rhetorics and philosophizing sure as hell doesn’t do much. I just know that despite these depressive, downed feelings, I know everything I’ve done or been through are important facets of who I am now. Doesn’t make it any simpler to accept or what, but nevertheless, it’s what keeps me afloat.
I feel like a used up computer with a virus right now and the only solution I can think of is hitting reboot or getting reformatted. But how can I reformat just the bad part and not lose the important stuff?

1 stars twinkling:

doubleknot 1/26/2006 04:42:00 AM  

First I want to thank you for your kind words about the tears.
Guess I am sort of feeling like you are now - with my health problems it seems like there is no end to the doctors and medicine. Now I have to wait to see what they found on my mammagram. My sister took me to my knee doctor and though I can hardly walk at times he just doesn't seem to care. He just says I have arthritis and acts like I just have to live with it. With my room mate also going through his tough time with his injuries from work I feel like crawling in bed and just staying there but I know I can't. Life goes on and we do go through cycles and things do get better - it just seems like it won't ever be. I hope you get to feeling better. Meanwhile let's just be miserable together.

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