January 29, 2006


When Bubba first came into our home, I said there was no way I was gonna like him. After all, I hate dogs. I hate the fact that they’re so dirty and smelly, I hate the way they’re all slobbery and messy, I hate how they ruin everything around…I could go on forever. But as the days progressed, the little creature slowly worked his way into my heart. Much as I didn’t wanna admit it, it made me smile when he’d come running to the gate when I’d come home from a long day’s work. Whenever he’d do a trick I’d teach him, it made me feel a bit glad. Still, even with those minor concessions, I still wasn’t ready to admit I was smitten.

Then one night while we were taking a walk, I realized it was not really “Bubba” that I said I wouldn’t like. In many ways, I chose not to allow him into my heart because by doing so, I would set myself up for another goodbye somewhere down the road. I’ve had to say goodbye too many times in my life already, and I didn’t need another one. Why set myself up for the pain and sadness that ultimately comes in the end? It has always been difficult for me to form attachments to people, especially those I wasn’t sure would stick around to begin with. It’s no surprise I was a champion for the Single Since Birth Club for the longest time. Furthermore, I've been disappointed by people too many times already. Why add another one to my list?

It's not like I'm a loner or anything like that, but I never really allow anyone to come too close unless I was sure they were for keeps. In fact, till this day, it is a struggle for me to open my arms and embrace new people and opportunities that come my way. Surprising isn’t it? After all, I myself would admit I don’t look like I’d be the shy type. I guess it’s like the way I try not to show how I really feel. Unless you know the real “me”, you’d never know how much I’ve been through because you might not see past the mask of confident kakikayan and the assuming aura of “the cono rich kid” that I’m so often mistaken for! Furthermore, often times, people don’t get to see beyond the persona of the intelligent achiever, the roles I play and the “titles” I wear. It seems that my accomplishments speak too loudly for themselves that others don’t see beyond them. However, when one sees beyond the façade, they see that I’m just a simple girl who just wants the simplest thing many people take for granted.

I never realized though that because I kept on putting up a wall to shield myself from potential losses, I shut myself out from potential gains as well. Maybe risks aren’t that bad…after all, I so often take risks professionally why not personally as well? And though none of these offer any guarantees, the possible payoff might be worth the risk.

Also, much like the stinking, slobbering dog I swore to hate, loving and living isn't always gonna be neat and perfect. Along the way, I realize there will be a lot of stinky messed up moments that may be disgusting, diappointing or frustrating. But what good will a perfect life be if it were all alone?

Okay, okay, I begrudgingly admit it...I have fallen again. This time, I'm not afraid of making the mistake and of the hurt that may come along with it. Who knows, maybe this time, it wouldn't end that way. And maybe, just maybe, I won't be alone anymore. No matter what happens though, even if I ended up with a goodbye down the road, I wouldn't be completely alone because of what I have gained along the way.

3 stars twinkling:

doubleknot 2/01/2006 09:32:00 PM  

I liked your last line 'I won't be completely alone because of what I have gained along the way' I am going to remember that because I too have gone through a lot of my life being what other people wanted me to be. Now at my age I am learning to stand up for myself and just be myself. Sometimes I still don't know what that means but I am so much better today then when I was young - all those wasted years. It is hard to let someone in when you are used to the betrayal of people.
I am glad that you have Bubba. Yes dogs can be a bit messy and we may not have them for long but while they are with us they give us that unconditional love that we need to learn from them.

doubleknot 2/05/2006 09:50:00 PM  

My cat Moocher has betrayed me. We had new neighbors move in next trailer over from us and they have a little girl about six - yep - saw Moocher out there in the yard just enjoying the loving petting the little girl was giving him. I have had a hard time getting him to come in lately - I hope they are not feeding him - guess I will have to go over there and tell them not to feed him. He did come in this morning to eat though. Just goes to show you that you have to be willing to let go or at least share an animal.

doubleknot 2/27/2006 12:05:00 AM  

Haven't heard from you lately. Hope things have been going OK for you. I have had a lot going on. If you check into my blog you will see what has been happening.
Miss you.

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