November 28, 2005

Shoppaholic Strikes Again

I wouldn't recommend a trip to the mall when you're in a bad mood. For the past few days, I've been in such a "blah" mood that I just can't seem to shake.Furthermore, I can't seem to place my finger on what it is....or should I say I don't wanna put my finger on?!? It's kinda getting to me already and I ain't coping very well!!! I've got a sore throat coz I've eaten a whole bunch of popsicles followed by half a bag of Hershey's miniatures (thank God I remembered the incentive I said I'd give my students for a make up class...made me stop chomping on it!!!). I've been ultra super sungit too. Not just that, I'm also super duper lazy that I'm starting to feel so ashamed of myself for my incompetence at the clinic.

So today I finally finished the psych report I needed to have done for a client since eons ago and got up to drop off my mom in Starbucks. Decided to walk around the mall and just cool off. Not a very good idea...ended up shopping for a bunch of stuff I don't really need. To top it off, stuff I don't really have the cash to for.

What pisses me off more than anything is the actual truth that I'm trying to avoid...behind the shopping sprees and chocolate binges is a feeling of sadness that I can't shake off because of irrational thoughts that shouldn't really be. I said yesterday that disappointment is such a bitter pill to swallow. And like any medicine, you know you kinda have to take it even though it sucks coz without it you can't get well. In the past few weeks, I had more than enough doses of it to last me a lifetime!!! Because of being thrown off guard, I can't seem to get my bearings back. Just because of that simple disappointment (which shouldn't even be), I feel like everything I've been working for just crumbled and has lost all meaning.

What actually makes swallowing disappointment is the ring of truth behind it. Even though in my head I know things will work out for the best and that I shouldn't feel badly about things but in my heart of hearts, I feel so so so bad. In as much as I understand that things don't always go my way, and that change is a good thing, I can't help but feel hurt by the unfolding of these events. I'd probably think this is what a parent feels when her child disappoints her so badly. And though the feeling of compassion, understanding and agreement comes along, that bitter sting is still lurking inside.

It started out with one disappointment, then another came, then yet another...I sorta feel, in a small way, that the universe is conspiring against me!!! Take today's shopping spree for instance...everytime I asked for a medium in something, they'd only have large, but when I ask for large, there's only medium! In my head I know it isn't me and it's just coincidence but the whole feeling of irrationality still rears it's ugly head.

One of these thoughts that I can't seem to erase is the thought that "I'm not good enough" and "kasi ako e" (because it's me). Sorta pessimistic, sure, defeatist as well, but parang di ko maiwasan maisip na if it were someone else, then "no" would not be an answer.

We're also going through a lot of financial difficulties at work and as one of the heads, this is a big problem I have to worry about. Dealing with the financial problems is easy to bear, but what bothers me more is what people say about the way my partner and I are running things. Don't they realize that I'm giving it more than I can??? Leadership skills is not a problem for me, but being the boss is. I may not know how to balance it, or to be an effective boss, but in terms of getting the job I know I do a hell of a great job. Nevertheless, it seems not good enough. And what bothers me most is that people think I wasn't good enough. Funny thing is, these people aren't even around to see me do the job!

Haaaahhhh....on a personal level, I hate how I've gone on God knows how many first dates in the past six months and still, nothing there...and what is so dumb, stupid, crazy, insane (should I go on???) is that it's still the same damned reason why no one has still come close to getting in to where only HE still remains. And yes, the feeling of me not being good enough for him...haaay....

Like this guy, I've been missing my friends. Time, distance and relationships have made our friendships so different. Different in a good way but nonetheless, there are days when it saddens me and it makes me think about how I wish I were a bit more like much as I am professionally successful, in other areas, they seem so much luckier than me. Here I am with a great career, a wonderful future, and lot's of opportunities, but at the end of the day, I'm alone while they get married, have kids, and live the dream I always had. Irrational thinking but emotionally true. I'm not complaining, and I'm sure they may feel the same way from time to time. They probably have times when they wish they have what I have but still I can't stop feeling this way on days like this.

Yes, in my head, I know it's not me. And that disappointments are part of making things better, much like the rain that washes away the gray of the day to let the rainbow shine. Nevertheless, sometimes a little too much rain is hard to deal with.

My coping skills, as I said, aren't very good. After that chocolate binge, I feel so fat and ugly. After my lousy performance in the clinic, I feel so incompetent. After everything thats gone on...the only thing I've got going is my adorable wardrobe...but I gotta fit into it first!!!

1 stars twinkling:

doubleknot 11/29/2005 06:03:00 PM  

You are right about shopping while in a blah mood. It took me years to find out that I was covering my disappointment with something by buying something - anything.
The eating is the same way - I was eating to make myself feel better or was it because I could blame the over eating for feeling bad.
What ever your disappointment was I hope you over come it.
And don't feel like you are alone in trying to find sizes in stores I have the same problem - I have even bought maternty clothes to get them to fit over my hips. I am losing weight but slowly. My stomach is messed up with gastric ulcers so I can't eat a lot - thank goodness or I would be really big. Never thought I would be thankful for something being wrong with me.
Hang in there things have to change for the better sometime.

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