March 23, 2006

Leap of Faith

I recently found myself at a crossroad, unsure of what I should do or how I feel or even who I am. All I knew was that I was spinning out of control. For someone like me, that 's very hard to admit. I may not he the type to keep my room or car neat and tidy but when it comes to the way things are in my life, I just need to know that everything is working the way it "ought to be". It doesn't necessarily have to be alright, it just has to be the way it's supposed to be. I guess having things "the way they should be" allows me a sense of security in the otherwise unsafe, unsure world. As such, it provides me a level of comfort that truly makes it easier to deal with things around me. Simply knowing what is expected and what my role in these gives me a sense of assurance, especially since I need to know I'm doing well. So just imagine how hard that was for me to just shut my eyes and just take that leap of faith...and to finally admit that I CAN’T.
There are a few words in the English language that I have trouble saying: first is NO. Second, I need help; last but not the least is I can't. However, the past few weeks was filled with those three phrases. It was driving me up the wall. It had gotten to the point when I didn’t even wanna get up in the morning anymore. All I felt was like a dark cloud was coming over me, taking over everything in sight and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see the light.
So there I was in the midst of trying to figure out whether or not I should step into the unknown and unsure or to stick with the safe and secure.Then by sheer coincidence, I chanced upon a song by last years’ American Idol, Carrie Underwood. The song was “Jesus Take the Wheel” and though it was the first time I heard it, for some reason it struck a chord in me. It made me realize that the reason why I was struggling was because I kept insisting on doing it “my way”, or the way I thought “it ought to be”. I kept on driving the way I wanted, even if it was across the wrong freeway.
That stubbornness and insistence on keeping things the way they were became like a rock tied to my ankle. As it dragged me deeper and deeper into the ocean I could no longer fight. I always thought of myself as a survivor: a fighter, a swimmer – a strong person. But no matter how strong swimmer I was or how good I fighter I was, I was facing my greatest opponent yet: myself.
Finally my head bobbed above water and I found a buoy I could hang on to. And my gosh, I hung to it as hard as I could. It was Jesus, reminding me that even if I had let go of His hand and insisted on driving myself. And so that’s what I did. I held on tight and gave up control of the wheel and allowed Jesus to just take it from me. When I did, it felt like that I dropped that weight and broke through the surface. With a big gulp of air and the glorious sunshine once more caressing my face, I felt safe. I found peace and for the first time in so long, slept the whole night through.
I gave up my job, not knowing what’s in store. Of course I will admit that in some small way, I have a fall-back what with my undergrad classes and clinical work. But nevertheless, I gave up my main job. The one that really paid the bills and made sure I had what I needed. I guess for so long I’ve slathered on so much icing on my cake, that I don’t even know what my cake really looks like anymore. So slowly I’m taking it off in the hopes that once more, I find the “me” who got lost in oblivion.
I will not deny that I still am afraid, and that doubts slowly creep in, but nevertheless, I know I am in good hands. However, a lot of times it is hard to just believe that things will go well even though in my heart I know it’s true. I guess that’s really what taking the plunge, the leap of faith, is truly all about.
Jesus, Take the Wheel(James/Lindsey/Sampson)
She was drivin' last friday on her way to cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas EveGoin' home to see her Momma and her Daddy
With her baby in a back seat
Fifty miles to go and she was runnin' low
On faith and gasolineIt'd been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was goin' way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinnin on thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyesShe didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared, she threw her hands up in the air
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands'
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
Give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder and that car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the back seat sleepin' like a rock
For the first time in a long time she bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the wayI've been livin' my lifeI know I've got to change
So from now on tonight
(Repeat chorus)

1 stars twinkling:

Gillian Jordan,  4/14/2006 03:01:00 AM  

It happened to me once that I was skidding on a patch of ice on a lonely country road with only a ditch either side. The car spun out of control and I just yelled his name Jesus, help me! and he did by some miracle the car just stopped. On another ocassion I was skiing in the mountains in France leapt off the top of a black run, hit a turn incorrectly, and went straight over the top. Down down, thud, slip, flying through the air, bang again. 250feet in all before some Angel dressed in a ski suit stopped my rag doll body from going any further, and whose name did I yell? Why Jesus of course!!

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