Why I cry at weddings

"I need to believe that men and women love each other. I need to know that they go home to each other every night, so I can believe that it will happen to me too someday". - Ally McBeal

While I may not be the only person who cries at weddings, I always feel selfish when I do. Why? Because honestly, many times I cry no only because of happiness or well-wishes towards the newlyweds. Rather, I cry for myself. When the bride walks down the aisle, I have my own Ally McBeal moment and see myself in her shoes, walking towards the man of my dreams. But reality sinks in and I realize it isn't me, and so I imagine my heart crashing into a million pieces right in front of my eyes. Selfish, right?

I do feel happy for the couple getting married. But whenever I am at a wedding, especially lately when I see all my friends get married, my feelings of insecurity are heightened and all my defenses crumble. While success and career have been blessed for me, sometimes I can't help but retort to myself, "I never really asked for that". After all, growing up I always dreamt of being a housewife, complete with the two and a half kids, a station wagon, the dog and the white picket fence.

However, this weekend, at the wedding of one of my "sisters", it dawned on me why I cry at weddings. While the anxities were stirred up and the woe-is-me feelings were pushed to the surface, I realized at the end of the day that I am not crying because I don't have what she has. I cry because through these people who take the plunge and walk into forever together, I start to believe again that love exists.

"I think I need to believe that it works...love, couplehood, partnerships. The idea that when people come together they stay together, I have to take that with me to bed, even if I have to go to bed alone." - Ally McBeal

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Seattle Grace

For the past two months, I have set up camp in the surgical wing of Seattle Grace hospital. Everyday, despite all the work I need to do, I switch on my dvd and settle in, watching and re-watching the drama unfolding in the lives of those surgical interns and attendings in Grey's Anatomy. I cannot count the nights I spent crying myself to sleep while watching Meredith proclaim "I miss you" to McDreamy. I cried while she asked "why didn't you fight harder". And yes, I cried when she realized her mother slipped back into her Alzheimers state. I lived life vicariously through the lives of those people. Pathetic as it may sound, it made me feel "alive". I was happy, I was sad...I cried, I laughed and I felt the hurt and hopes they did too.

Initially, I watched it only to keep myself entertained. After a while, it started conjuring up weird images in my head and leading me to recall past and present relationships I was going through. I started comparing and relating things I was thinking and feeling to what was going on in the show. Soon, my reality started shifting, and all that mattered what was going on in Seattle Grace.

When I stop to think about it, why do I keep watching it, even though I know what's gonna happen next? Even more, why do I keep getting emotionally involved in a make-believe show, a fairy-tale, a life of pretend?!?

Then it dawned on me. I love watching the show for two reasons: first because by being in Seattle, I was not sitting home alone watching television feeling low and disapointed in my sad, uneventful existence. Because I was there, I did not hace to face my thoughts, feelings and emotions, nor did I have to admit what it was I wanted or did not want.

Secondly, watching Grey's Anatomy gave me and excuse to feel. It gave me an excuse to be sad, to be hurt, to be lonely, and even to be happy without facing my own emotions head-on. By feeling through these characters, it was okay to cry. It was okay to laugh and somehow, it offered me some degree of comfort knowing that no matter what, somehow, things will be okay. The little bits of wisdom narrated at the start and end of the show likewise gave me the semblance of insight. While it may not be my experiences, it still gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe things will indeed be alright be alright. By pretending, I did not have to face the truth.

The thing is, I can only pretend so far. So at the end of the show, I'm left with the truth that I don't have the answers and that my life is a mess despite the mask of "all-is-well" that I wear. In the end, I know I have to face the fact I'm not okay and that behind the confident, independent woman is a scared and broken little girl who doesn't know what to do anymore. But in the meantime, for my sanity's sake, I press rewind, and watch it all over again.

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Put on the paddles...

I was thinking. Maybe it's time to just grab the paddles, make eveyone and everything stay clear, and just jump start my life again. Then again, maybe it's not that I've gone flat-line. Perhaps it's more like I'm stuck on a respirator, breathing in and out, but not really "living". Occasional blips on the monitor, but generally, a slow steady beat. Predictable. Undeniably predictable.

There's only one problem. I can't do it alone.

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Time

For some reason, even though I try desperately to schedule things and manage my time well, it feels like I can never get things under control. It's like no matter what I do, there's too much to do. It's not like I do too much, but for some reason, time seems to keep slipping through my hands. In many ways it comes across as a cosmic joke, seriously.

I used to be good at this, managing to keep my life on track, I mean. But time seems to have stopped for me five years ago. Since then, I've been caught, trapped in it's web. I'd move forward at times, but there's a force that seems to be sucking me back in to that moment in time, and no matter how I've tried to jump start it, it keeps getting stuck. In the words of, yes --- once again, my new addiction, Meredith Grey, "...time takes pleasure in kicking our asses. For even the strongest of us it seems to play tricks. Slowing down...hovering...until it freezes, leaving us stuck in a moment, unable to move in one direction or the other".

Five years ago I knew where I was going. I knew what it is I wanted and I knew what it was I was capable of. Today, no matter how many bright and new shiny toys I have, I have no idea who I am. I have no idea where I am, nor where it is I want to go. All I know is that I'm hovering, frozen in that moment of time...unable to move forward, unable to go back.

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Seriously?!?

As trivial as it may seem, I was incredibly stressed out by the last episode of Grey's Anatomy. The clincher of it all was the fact that I wasn't even watching the actual episode, as it is not yet showing here in Manila. I've been satisfying my addiction with transcripts of episodes, and while it's not as great as watching the actual show, it feeds the urge esepecially since I have no choice but to wait for it to show (or perhaps pirated dvd's hehe).

Anyway, in the last episode, as many may know Meredith Grey dies. Like a bunch of other addicts who waste their time going through blogs and spoilers of the show, I wish that it's not a real death. Then again, at this point I can only speculate.

Going back to yesterday, I was really overwhelmingly wigged out by the twist in this darned three-part episode! Natatawa na nga ako sa sarili ko because it's so silly to be affected by a television show! Nevertheless, I'm anxiously waiting for the next episode to see what happens next.

Now that I've slept through it, I realize that maybe I feel this way because I resonate with her dark and twisty world. Granted that it's a television show and Meredith Grey is merely a character, the uncanny wisdom that the writers have granted her has been a source of inspiration for me.

In the last episode, her narration went something like "There's so much more I wanted to say but...I disappeared". That struck a chord in me because as I said in my last blog, I got lost in my world of denial. And yes, there's still so much I wanted --- and needed--- to say but I never had the chance to. Because of this, I just denied the feelings existed, pretended I wasn't hurt and painted on a smile to cover up the tears. In the process, "I" disappeared. Behind that veiled happiness, I lost a part of me who knew what it was I wanted, what it was I was about...who I was on the inside. In many ways it felt like I was drowning in a sea of misery and though my head is above water, no one understands why I can't get myself out. The thing is, much as I'd like to get out I can't. Sometimes I do believe I can, but most of the time, I just wanna forget about it and sink to the bottom and just cease living a sad and pointless existence.

Maybe Meredith drowning and going on to the great beyond is a wake-up call. It's like what they say about having your entire life flash before your eyes for you to realize what it is you have. And through this experience, you appreciate your life more. My friend said maybe this whole Grey-thing is a way for her "to wake up and stop being a loser". Well, maybe she's right. In the same way, maybe it's time for me to stop feeling like a loser even though things aren't the way I want them to be. After all, it's bound to get better. And though I may feel that I have disappeared, maybe I really haven't. Despite the fact that I feel unheard and lost, the world does see me. In whatever small way, my voice is still heard in this vast universe.

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Blog runs dry...

It's been months since my last blog, and it does indeed feel like I've lost all sense of creative spirit in me. It's like a well that got dried up. Or perhaps a watering hole in the midst of a hot, hot summer waiting for the monsoon to come. Perhaps there will be a deluge of words flowing soon. I sure hope so, as I'm starting to feel parched, literally. It's like I haven't had the time to sit down and reflect on what it is I'm thinking and feeling.

How do I sum this up?!? I guess bottom line it's that I allowed myself to once again get caught in a rut and just let myself fester there, without really meaning to. It's kinda like a line in my new favorite addiction, Grey's Anatomy...It’s easy to suggest a quick solution, when you don’t know much about the problem or you don’t understand the underlying cause or just how deep the wound is. The first step toward a real cure is to know exactly what the disease is to begin with. But that’s not what people want to hear. We're supposed to forget the past that led us here, ignore the future complications that might arise and go for the quick fix...And that's just what I did. All the pain, discontent and dissatisfaction I was feeling, I ignored. Slapped on a band-aid we call work and doused it with alcohol (literally hehe) and just let it be. Ignored the tugging at the heart strings. Denied the longing. And yes, lied that I was okay.

It’s been what, four years? Five? Since then I’ve never really regained my footing after my freefall. The freefall to the unknown that left me so jaded and bewildered. While yes, I did make resolutions and did reconcile certain aspects of that period of my life, but I lost a part of me then. The part of me that loved myself and actually knew what it meant to be loved. Not necessarily in the romantic way, but in the truest sense. I let the disease of cynicism and bitterness eat me whole. Yes, once again it came back and overrun me.
In the past few years, I found myself slipping back to old habits. Eating, sleeping, overdoing things…and letting myself go. It’s time to rip of the band-aid and just take the time to heal. And in the words of Meredith Grey, “…as human beings, we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. And just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts. And knocks you off your feet. If you’re lucky, you’ll end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But, some wounds are deeper than they first appear and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip off the band-aid, let them breathe, and give them time to heal.” .

Time. It’s time to heal and let this hurt scab over. And this time, no more picking on the wound.

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World Without Cash...again

A month and a half ago I wrote this rant in my other blog:

I received another bill today and I nearly burst into tears...I've never been this cash-strapped since high school!!! Sure, I'm happy and challenged with work and what I'm doing professionally, but it's hit me how much I miss my old paycheck! It may not have been much, but having the security of knowing I get this much every 15th and 30th sure was comforting. Although my earning capacity as a Consultant now is much higher, it is not as stable as when I was earning a teachers salary...

I've never been good at "saving up for a rainy day" and everytime I got my paycheck it seemed to slip away so quickly just by entering Kamiseta or Bayo. Now, even though I know they're on sale at Gateway, I can't go!!! I feel so frustrated, constricted and restricted!!!

Much as this may be so, I stop and think about how lucky I still am, because I can still manage to pay my bills without needing to ask for money or borrow from someone. In many ways, I beleive, that I can indeed still survive in this world without cash. Admittedly, though, I hope it doesn't last too long...I can't wait to afford to splurge on a weekend in Bora or a new outfit in Kamiseta again!!!!


It had admittedly gotten better since then, although not enough to feel unconcerned about the endless barrage of bills and dues. But yesterday, I hit rock-bottom. My trusty old car died after 9 and a half years of faithful service. Albeit it's redeemable, it's not the same. It was so frustrating because it was an extra expense I can't afford. Just when things started looking up, it went back down again. Sometimes I think of just giving it all up and finally conceding to the call of the American dollar. After all, I have a child development background plus an almost-masters degree in psychology. Teachers are in big demand, so I've heard. But for some unexplainable reason, I wanna stay. I just hope I climb out of this rut soon.

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When single blessedness isn’t so blessed at all

If I had to think of ten reasons why I’m glad I’m unattached, it wouldn’t take very long to complete my list. Scratch that: it would be hard to limit it to ten! In spite of the many, many reasons why being single is a blessed things, sometimes I can’t help but think it’s a curse…alright, alright…I’ll admit it, many times I wish I had a boyfriend. Maybe it’s a bit selfish of me to want to have my cake and eat it to, but I’m just so sick of being the third wheel…the spare tire…the soiled tissue…the one ran to when everything go wrong. While I may never give up my girlfriends or sisters, and as much as I never can hold that fact against them, I wish I didn’t have to bear the brunt of it alone but the fact still remains. It’s a bitter pill to swallow being the bridesmaid again, being alone on a Saturday night, sitting in front of the computer while friends have kids and buy houses, do the groceries, read bedtime stories…much as I try, I still feel that sad sorta longing tugging at my heartstrings. It’s like, having someone to smile for when I get up…the one who would make me laugh for the silliest reason, who’d remember the littlest fact about me and remember my birthday, the first day we met, the first this and that, who’d understand I get upset for the simplest, most trivial details of the day…the one who’d just take me for who I am, no excuses, no apologies, no explanations.

I’ve always been the type of girl to look down on giving up what I want because a man asked me to, especially when it means choosing what he wants me to do rather than what I want to do. Likewise, I always had a thing about friends cancelling on a girl-friend when their boyfriends all of a sudden change plans or something. I used to say I’d never let a guy come between me and my friends. But lo and behold, when push came to shove, when a guy asked me to give up my friends I did…and I liked it. Admittedly, on hindsight I feel bad about it but when it was there, it just seemed right.

So while being single gives me a chance to be independent, and to stand my ground, it also has a lot of consequences attached to it. Why is single blessedness not so blessed after all? Well, simply said it’s lonely. No matter how many friends one has, nor any measure of success makes up for it. While I have no complaints about the many, many blessings I’ve been given in my life, I kinda just wish “single blessedness” changes into “blissful blessedness” (if that makes any sense!!!). Yes, I do enjoy the freedom to do what I want when I want, to go wherever and do whatever, to just pick up and leave at any moment, but deep down inside, I still long to be “stuck” with someone…well, not all the time!!!

Other than being lonely, as petty as it is, being single in a world that’s not single kinda stings. Take Sex in the City for example…yes, they still were friends at the end of the day, but when Miranda moved out of the city, Charlotte got married and all, and even Carrie and Samantha’s own more serious relationships, things inevitably changed. Being the one left behind while things have changed for sisters and girlfriends, and loved ones (should I dare say lovers?), is really not my cup of tea. I don’t really think it would be anyone’s but that’s my opinion. Going back to pettiness, if I can have a list of tens about the good things about being single, there’s also a lot of things that suck about it. Many of it may be selfish, some might even find it stupid or what not. But that’s the sad part of it…while it is selfish, I don’t think anyone can really say they don’t want the same things I do.

So what exactly do I want? I don’t really know. That’s the painful truth of it all. I’d be a hypocrite if I’d say I’d give up who I am right now in exchange of a boyfriend. But part of me would still go and change the world as I know it if “he” asked me to.

A little list of why I don’t like being unattached goes this way:
1. Being unattached means being the “table-filler”, the one at the head of the table in a group gimmick, and the one in the backseat…

2. Being unattached means not having someone to call in the middle of the night just to make a silly comment, to whine, to complain, to laugh, to say I love you…

3. Being unattached means birthdays alone, Christmas on your own, no New Year’s Eve kiss…don’t get me started on Valentines…

4. Add to this, being unattached means you can’t blame anyone for not remembering to greet you or make you feel appreciated, or to spoil you for no good reason. You can’t even complain.

5. Similarly, being single means not having someone to selfishly call mine.

6. Without that someone to call my own, it’s watching movies with other girlfriends when their boyfriends are out of town, or having coffee when they have a fight, or shopping because that’s what girlfriends do…then not having someone to rave or rant to at the end of the day.

7. There’s no special look, giggly-giggle, hysterical laughter, that only the two of you share.

8. It’s not having something to look forward to at the end of the day.

9. Without a boyfriend, of course, there’s no more “kilig” moments, sugary sweet (yes, when overheard kinda idiotic but who cares!!!) conversations, hand to hold, arm around the shoulder, someone to lean on (should I continue?!?).

10. Lastly, what I dislike most about being unattached is going to bed at night knowing that without that when I wake up, there’s no one “mine” waiting for me.

Before I started writing this blog entry, my dog’s yaya (hehe…sige na nga, our helper!) was singing the Carpenters’ song “Caught between Goodbye and I Love You”. That’s where I’m at right now. Caught between saying goodbye to the chains of love, and saying I Love You to the one holding it, whoever he may be. And being stuck right in the middle.

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Walking Down the Aisle...

Yesterday I once again wiled away time even though I knew I had so much to do. As I sat in front of my computer desperately trying to get my thoughts together for some (or should I say "all"...)the work I had to accomplish, I aimlessly surfed through blog after blog and friendster account after friendster account...it dawned on me that so many of my friends have updated their profiles and changed their pictures...while I am happy to see how backgrounds change from the ordinary day to day to beautiful sights of tourist spots they're in, to new mommies and daddies proudly showing off their babies or perhaps, showing off their children's latest accomplishments, and yes, to radiant brides walking down the aisle and kissing their handsome princes, I couldn't help but suddenly feel a sad sort of longing....not longing really for what they have, but longing for that thing that will make my heart sing again. It's not necessarily a new love I am longing for, I think...but for that feeling of giddy anticipation and bright-eyed wonder. I seem to have forgotten that. In my quest to be the best in what I do and to accomplish things I thought I wanted to, I forgot to embrace the present and smile at the new day. In many ways, I started wandering aimlessly around a world I knew nothing of.

In the midst of that lonely moment of longing, I saw a glimmer of a rainbow that hid behind the clouds for such a long time. You see, I hadn't seen that for so long. It dawned on me that all the while it was there but I kept trying too hard and too much for it to be the color I wanted it to be. I kept on criticizing and complaining that it was not the right shade or it wasn't the right shape, without realizing that I was missing out on the beauty it still had.

So there it was, I was feeling sad and teary-eyed wishing for things I didn't have without being glad for what it was I had. And so while I offer my congratulations and best wishes to friends and family who are "walking down the aisle" --- be it in marriage, at work or whatever phase they are in in their own journeys, I too take pride in donning my finest and walking down my aisle...wherever that may lead.

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Leap of Faith

I recently found myself at a crossroad, unsure of what I should do or how I feel or even who I am. All I knew was that I was spinning out of control. For someone like me, that 's very hard to admit. I may not he the type to keep my room or car neat and tidy but when it comes to the way things are in my life, I just need to know that everything is working the way it "ought to be". It doesn't necessarily have to be alright, it just has to be the way it's supposed to be. I guess having things "the way they should be" allows me a sense of security in the otherwise unsafe, unsure world. As such, it provides me a level of comfort that truly makes it easier to deal with things around me. Simply knowing what is expected and what my role in these gives me a sense of assurance, especially since I need to know I'm doing well. So just imagine how hard that was for me to just shut my eyes and just take that leap of faith...and to finally admit that I CAN’T.

There are a few words in the English language that I have trouble saying: first is NO. Second, I need help; last but not the least is I can't. However, the past few weeks was filled with those three phrases. It was driving me up the wall. It had gotten to the point when I didn’t even wanna get up in the morning anymore. All I felt was like a dark cloud was coming over me, taking over everything in sight and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see the light.

So there I was in the midst of trying to figure out whether or not I should step into the unknown and unsure or to stick with the safe and secure.Then by sheer coincidence, I chanced upon a song by last years’ American Idol, Carrie Underwood. The song was “Jesus Take the Wheel” and though it was the first time I heard it, for some reason it struck a chord in me. It made me realize that the reason why I was struggling was because I kept insisting on doing it “my way”, or the way I thought “it ought to be”. I kept on driving the way I wanted, even if it was across the wrong freeway.

That stubbornness and insistence on keeping things the way they were became like a rock tied to my ankle. As it dragged me deeper and deeper into the ocean I could no longer fight. I always thought of myself as a survivor: a fighter, a swimmer – a strong person. But no matter how strong swimmer I was or how good I fighter I was, I was facing my greatest opponent yet: myself.

Finally my head bobbed above water and I found a buoy I could hang on to. And my gosh, I hung to it as hard as I could. It was Jesus, reminding me that even if I had let go of His hand and insisted on driving myself. And so that’s what I did. I held on tight and gave up control of the wheel and allowed Jesus to just take it from me. When I did, it felt like that I dropped that weight and broke through the surface. With a big gulp of air and the glorious sunshine once more caressing my face, I felt safe. I found peace and for the first time in so long, slept the whole night through.

I gave up my job, not knowing what’s in store. Of course I will admit that in some small way, I have a fall-back what with my undergrad classes and clinical work. But nevertheless, I gave up my main job. The one that really paid the bills and made sure I had what I needed. I guess for so long I’ve slathered on so much icing on my cake, that I don’t even know what my cake really looks like anymore. So slowly I’m taking it off in the hopes that once more, I find the “me” who got lost in oblivion.

I will not deny that I still am afraid, and that doubts slowly creep in, but nevertheless, I know I am in good hands. However, a lot of times it is hard to just believe that things will go well even though in my heart I know it’s true. I guess that’s really what taking the plunge, the leap of faith, is truly all about.

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Jesus, Take the Wheel(James/Lindsey/Sampson)

She was drivin' last friday on her way to cincinnati

On a snow white Christmas EveGoin' home to see her Momma and her Daddy

With her baby in a back seat

Fifty miles to go and she was runnin' low

On faith and gasolineIt'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention

She was goin' way too fast

Before she knew it she was spinnin on thin black sheet of glass

She saw both their lives flash before her eyesShe didn't even have time to cry

She was so scared, she threw her hands up in the air

(Chorus)

Jesus take the wheel

Take it from my hands'

Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go

Give me one more chance

Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder and that car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the back seat sleepin' like a rock
For the first time in a long time she bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the wayI've been livin' my lifeI know I've got to change
So from now on tonight
(Repeat chorus)

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It's Complicated

People around me ask, "are you with anyone now?" or "are you in a relationship" and I reply, "It's complicated"...how can one honestly give away her heart when she has none to give? Perhaps this whole blog is an addendum to a previous post (A Lifetime) but I guess, the best answer I can give right now for that question is just that: ITS COMPLICATED...in fact...it's more complicated than I can even understand. All I know is, I once gave my heart away, or so I thought I did, and up to now, it never found its way back to me.

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Always Greener

A few days ago, I finally caught one of my best friends online. It has been years since we've really talked and chatting with her kinda brought me back to when things were so much simpler...when all we worried about was passing the geom finals or physics exam (well, at least I worried hehehe, she never had that problem ;-p )...when problems were limited to not having enough allowance for a movie and popcorn...and when everything could be solved by a bag of Taco Bell or Nacho Cheese Doritos and a bottle of Tequila...

It hit me (or if I may say so, us) that life right now has not just gotten more complicated, but it seems that it has lost it's sense of completion. What I mean here is not that life has lost its purpose, but it seems to have lost a tangible goal in sight. A goal that would actually mean a "finish" to something. Unlike when we we're younger, we had a finish line in sight, be it graduation, finishing college, earning a masters degree, getting a job, or marriage. Now, it's like no matter how hard you work and how much money you make, there's no end in sight. Like she asked, then what? Have kids, they get older, move out, then we're back to where we started...asking "now what???".

A conclusion we arrived at is that, no matter how cliche it sounds, the grass is alway greener in the other pasture. It's not that we don't appreciate the grass around us, it just seems that when you look up, something looks better somewhere else. Take for example the two of us. She's in the States making a great future for herself....earning well, settling down with a husband, buying her first home...but she still admits she hasn't found out what it is she really wants. Likewise, here I am making a great future for myself...sure no husband, no great future or new home, but a career I am proud of and dedicated to, but admittedly still searching for that thing to make it all complete.

That night, I had a strange dream. I dreamt I entered a mall and went window shopping. I saw so many things I wanted and sure I purchased a few items but there was still so much I wanted that I didn't have enough for. When closing time came, I got ready to walk to my car. Thing is, I couldn't find my way to the parking lot where my car is. It seemed that every where I looked, there was a better exit to take. One that was the safest, the nearest, etc. But everytime I took that exit, it was wrong. It was like the exit was always across from where I was.

It's been a few days since then and it hasn't really left me. It just hit me that maybe my dream had some connection to our conversation. I think that we, as humans, kinda get sidetracked by so much that seems better up ahead that we don't sit back and enjoy the present. We work so hard to make more money, to be the best, to reach the finish line...then when we get there we realize, now what?

What I learned from this is that yes, the grass may seem always be greener somewhere else. As it should be. If everything was the same, then what purpose would we have in life then? We'd just be living for subsistence, wouldn't we? But this time instead of getting consumed with the question of how to get to the place where the grass is greener, we should think about how we can make our grass greener too. Maybe it never will be as green as other pastures, but then again, maybe that's only from our jaded lenses.

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