April 7, 2007

Seattle Grace

For the past two months, I have set up camp in the surgical wing of Seattle Grace hospital. Everyday, despite all the work I need to do, I switch on my dvd and settle in, watching and re-watching the drama unfolding in the lives of those surgical interns and attendings in Grey's Anatomy. I cannot count the nights I spent crying myself to sleep while watching Meredith proclaim "I miss you" to McDreamy. I cried while she asked "why didn't you fight harder". And yes, I cried when she realized her mother slipped back into her Alzheimers state. I lived life vicariously through the lives of those people. Pathetic as it may sound, it made me feel "alive". I was happy, I was sad...I cried, I laughed and I felt the hurt and hopes they did too.

Initially, I watched it only to keep myself entertained. After a while, it started conjuring up weird images in my head and leading me to recall past and present relationships I was going through. I started comparing and relating things I was thinking and feeling to what was going on in the show. Soon, my reality started shifting, and all that mattered what was going on in Seattle Grace.

When I stop to think about it, why do I keep watching it, even though I know what's gonna happen next? Even more, why do I keep getting emotionally involved in a make-believe show, a fairy-tale, a life of pretend?!?

Then it dawned on me. I love watching the show for two reasons: first because by being in Seattle, I was not sitting home alone watching television feeling low and disapointed in my sad, uneventful existence. Because I was there, I did not hace to face my thoughts, feelings and emotions, nor did I have to admit what it was I wanted or did not want.

Secondly, watching Grey's Anatomy gave me and excuse to feel. It gave me an excuse to be sad, to be hurt, to be lonely, and even to be happy without facing my own emotions head-on. By feeling through these characters, it was okay to cry. It was okay to laugh and somehow, it offered me some degree of comfort knowing that no matter what, somehow, things will be okay. The little bits of wisdom narrated at the start and end of the show likewise gave me the semblance of insight. While it may not be my experiences, it still gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe things will indeed be alright be alright. By pretending, I did not have to face the truth.

The thing is, I can only pretend so far. So at the end of the show, I'm left with the truth that I don't have the answers and that my life is a mess despite the mask of "all-is-well" that I wear. In the end, I know I have to face the fact I'm not okay and that behind the confident, independent woman is a scared and broken little girl who doesn't know what to do anymore. But in the meantime, for my sanity's sake, I press rewind, and watch it all over again.

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