Why I cry at weddings

"I need to believe that men and women love each other. I need to know that they go home to each other every night, so I can believe that it will happen to me too someday". - Ally McBeal

While I may not be the only person who cries at weddings, I always feel selfish when I do. Why? Because honestly, many times I cry no only because of happiness or well-wishes towards the newlyweds. Rather, I cry for myself. When the bride walks down the aisle, I have my own Ally McBeal moment and see myself in her shoes, walking towards the man of my dreams. But reality sinks in and I realize it isn't me, and so I imagine my heart crashing into a million pieces right in front of my eyes. Selfish, right?

I do feel happy for the couple getting married. But whenever I am at a wedding, especially lately when I see all my friends get married, my feelings of insecurity are heightened and all my defenses crumble. While success and career have been blessed for me, sometimes I can't help but retort to myself, "I never really asked for that". After all, growing up I always dreamt of being a housewife, complete with the two and a half kids, a station wagon, the dog and the white picket fence.

However, this weekend, at the wedding of one of my "sisters", it dawned on me why I cry at weddings. While the anxities were stirred up and the woe-is-me feelings were pushed to the surface, I realized at the end of the day that I am not crying because I don't have what she has. I cry because through these people who take the plunge and walk into forever together, I start to believe again that love exists.

"I think I need to believe that it works...love, couplehood, partnerships. The idea that when people come together they stay together, I have to take that with me to bed, even if I have to go to bed alone." - Ally McBeal