February 21, 2007


For some reason, even though I try desperately to schedule things and manage my time well, it feels like I can never get things under control. It's like no matter what I do, there's too much to do. It's not like I do too much, but for some reason, time seems to keep slipping through my hands. In many ways it comes across as a cosmic joke, seriously.

I used to be good at this, managing to keep my life on track, I mean. But time seems to have stopped for me five years ago. Since then, I've been caught, trapped in it's web. I'd move forward at times, but there's a force that seems to be sucking me back in to that moment in time, and no matter how I've tried to jump start it, it keeps getting stuck. In the words of, yes --- once again, my new addiction, Meredith Grey, "...time takes pleasure in kicking our asses. For even the strongest of us it seems to play tricks. Slowing down...hovering...until it freezes, leaving us stuck in a moment, unable to move in one direction or the other".

Five years ago I knew where I was going. I knew what it is I wanted and I knew what it was I was capable of. Today, no matter how many bright and new shiny toys I have, I have no idea who I am. I have no idea where I am, nor where it is I want to go. All I know is that I'm hovering, frozen in that moment of time...unable to move forward, unable to go back.

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