Seriously?!?

As trivial as it may seem, I was incredibly stressed out by the last episode of Grey's Anatomy. The clincher of it all was the fact that I wasn't even watching the actual episode, as it is not yet showing here in Manila. I've been satisfying my addiction with transcripts of episodes, and while it's not as great as watching the actual show, it feeds the urge esepecially since I have no choice but to wait for it to show (or perhaps pirated dvd's hehe).

Anyway, in the last episode, as many may know Meredith Grey dies. Like a bunch of other addicts who waste their time going through blogs and spoilers of the show, I wish that it's not a real death. Then again, at this point I can only speculate.

Going back to yesterday, I was really overwhelmingly wigged out by the twist in this darned three-part episode! Natatawa na nga ako sa sarili ko because it's so silly to be affected by a television show! Nevertheless, I'm anxiously waiting for the next episode to see what happens next.

Now that I've slept through it, I realize that maybe I feel this way because I resonate with her dark and twisty world. Granted that it's a television show and Meredith Grey is merely a character, the uncanny wisdom that the writers have granted her has been a source of inspiration for me.

In the last episode, her narration went something like "There's so much more I wanted to say but...I disappeared". That struck a chord in me because as I said in my last blog, I got lost in my world of denial. And yes, there's still so much I wanted --- and needed--- to say but I never had the chance to. Because of this, I just denied the feelings existed, pretended I wasn't hurt and painted on a smile to cover up the tears. In the process, "I" disappeared. Behind that veiled happiness, I lost a part of me who knew what it was I wanted, what it was I was about...who I was on the inside. In many ways it felt like I was drowning in a sea of misery and though my head is above water, no one understands why I can't get myself out. The thing is, much as I'd like to get out I can't. Sometimes I do believe I can, but most of the time, I just wanna forget about it and sink to the bottom and just cease living a sad and pointless existence.

Maybe Meredith drowning and going on to the great beyond is a wake-up call. It's like what they say about having your entire life flash before your eyes for you to realize what it is you have. And through this experience, you appreciate your life more. My friend said maybe this whole Grey-thing is a way for her "to wake up and stop being a loser". Well, maybe she's right. In the same way, maybe it's time for me to stop feeling like a loser even though things aren't the way I want them to be. After all, it's bound to get better. And though I may feel that I have disappeared, maybe I really haven't. Despite the fact that I feel unheard and lost, the world does see me. In whatever small way, my voice is still heard in this vast universe.