February 15, 2007

Blog runs dry...

It's been months since my last blog, and it does indeed feel like I've lost all sense of creative spirit in me. It's like a well that got dried up. Or perhaps a watering hole in the midst of a hot, hot summer waiting for the monsoon to come. Perhaps there will be a deluge of words flowing soon. I sure hope so, as I'm starting to feel parched, literally. It's like I haven't had the time to sit down and reflect on what it is I'm thinking and feeling.

How do I sum this up?!? I guess bottom line it's that I allowed myself to once again get caught in a rut and just let myself fester there, without really meaning to. It's kinda like a line in my new favorite addiction, Grey's Anatomy...It’s easy to suggest a quick solution, when you don’t know much about the problem or you don’t understand the underlying cause or just how deep the wound is. The first step toward a real cure is to know exactly what the disease is to begin with. But that’s not what people want to hear. We're supposed to forget the past that led us here, ignore the future complications that might arise and go for the quick fix...And that's just what I did. All the pain, discontent and dissatisfaction I was feeling, I ignored. Slapped on a band-aid we call work and doused it with alcohol (literally hehe) and just let it be. Ignored the tugging at the heart strings. Denied the longing. And yes, lied that I was okay.

It’s been what, four years? Five? Since then I’ve never really regained my footing after my freefall. The freefall to the unknown that left me so jaded and bewildered. While yes, I did make resolutions and did reconcile certain aspects of that period of my life, but I lost a part of me then. The part of me that loved myself and actually knew what it meant to be loved. Not necessarily in the romantic way, but in the truest sense. I let the disease of cynicism and bitterness eat me whole. Yes, once again it came back and overrun me.
In the past few years, I found myself slipping back to old habits. Eating, sleeping, overdoing things…and letting myself go. It’s time to rip of the band-aid and just take the time to heal. And in the words of Meredith Grey, “…as human beings, we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. And just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts. And knocks you off your feet. If you’re lucky, you’ll end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But, some wounds are deeper than they first appear and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip off the band-aid, let them breathe, and give them time to heal.” .

Time. It’s time to heal and let this hurt scab over. And this time, no more picking on the wound.

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