May 2, 2006

When single blessedness isn’t so blessed at all

If I had to think of ten reasons why I’m glad I’m unattached, it wouldn’t take very long to complete my list. Scratch that: it would be hard to limit it to ten! In spite of the many, many reasons why being single is a blessed things, sometimes I can’t help but think it’s a curse…alright, alright…I’ll admit it, many times I wish I had a boyfriend. Maybe it’s a bit selfish of me to want to have my cake and eat it to, but I’m just so sick of being the third wheel…the spare tire…the soiled tissue…the one ran to when everything go wrong. While I may never give up my girlfriends or sisters, and as much as I never can hold that fact against them, I wish I didn’t have to bear the brunt of it alone but the fact still remains. It’s a bitter pill to swallow being the bridesmaid again, being alone on a Saturday night, sitting in front of the computer while friends have kids and buy houses, do the groceries, read bedtime stories…much as I try, I still feel that sad sorta longing tugging at my heartstrings. It’s like, having someone to smile for when I get up…the one who would make me laugh for the silliest reason, who’d remember the littlest fact about me and remember my birthday, the first day we met, the first this and that, who’d understand I get upset for the simplest, most trivial details of the day…the one who’d just take me for who I am, no excuses, no apologies, no explanations.

I’ve always been the type of girl to look down on giving up what I want because a man asked me to, especially when it means choosing what he wants me to do rather than what I want to do. Likewise, I always had a thing about friends cancelling on a girl-friend when their boyfriends all of a sudden change plans or something. I used to say I’d never let a guy come between me and my friends. But lo and behold, when push came to shove, when a guy asked me to give up my friends I did…and I liked it. Admittedly, on hindsight I feel bad about it but when it was there, it just seemed right.

So while being single gives me a chance to be independent, and to stand my ground, it also has a lot of consequences attached to it. Why is single blessedness not so blessed after all? Well, simply said it’s lonely. No matter how many friends one has, nor any measure of success makes up for it. While I have no complaints about the many, many blessings I’ve been given in my life, I kinda just wish “single blessedness” changes into “blissful blessedness” (if that makes any sense!!!). Yes, I do enjoy the freedom to do what I want when I want, to go wherever and do whatever, to just pick up and leave at any moment, but deep down inside, I still long to be “stuck” with someone…well, not all the time!!!

Other than being lonely, as petty as it is, being single in a world that’s not single kinda stings. Take Sex in the City for example…yes, they still were friends at the end of the day, but when Miranda moved out of the city, Charlotte got married and all, and even Carrie and Samantha’s own more serious relationships, things inevitably changed. Being the one left behind while things have changed for sisters and girlfriends, and loved ones (should I dare say lovers?), is really not my cup of tea. I don’t really think it would be anyone’s but that’s my opinion. Going back to pettiness, if I can have a list of tens about the good things about being single, there’s also a lot of things that suck about it. Many of it may be selfish, some might even find it stupid or what not. But that’s the sad part of it…while it is selfish, I don’t think anyone can really say they don’t want the same things I do.

So what exactly do I want? I don’t really know. That’s the painful truth of it all. I’d be a hypocrite if I’d say I’d give up who I am right now in exchange of a boyfriend. But part of me would still go and change the world as I know it if “he” asked me to.

A little list of why I don’t like being unattached goes this way:
1. Being unattached means being the “table-filler”, the one at the head of the table in a group gimmick, and the one in the backseat…

2. Being unattached means not having someone to call in the middle of the night just to make a silly comment, to whine, to complain, to laugh, to say I love you…

3. Being unattached means birthdays alone, Christmas on your own, no New Year’s Eve kiss…don’t get me started on Valentines…

4. Add to this, being unattached means you can’t blame anyone for not remembering to greet you or make you feel appreciated, or to spoil you for no good reason. You can’t even complain.

5. Similarly, being single means not having someone to selfishly call mine.

6. Without that someone to call my own, it’s watching movies with other girlfriends when their boyfriends are out of town, or having coffee when they have a fight, or shopping because that’s what girlfriends do…then not having someone to rave or rant to at the end of the day.

7. There’s no special look, giggly-giggle, hysterical laughter, that only the two of you share.

8. It’s not having something to look forward to at the end of the day.

9. Without a boyfriend, of course, there’s no more “kilig” moments, sugary sweet (yes, when overheard kinda idiotic but who cares!!!) conversations, hand to hold, arm around the shoulder, someone to lean on (should I continue?!?).

10. Lastly, what I dislike most about being unattached is going to bed at night knowing that without that when I wake up, there’s no one “mine” waiting for me.

Before I started writing this blog entry, my dog’s yaya (hehe…sige na nga, our helper!) was singing the Carpenters’ song “Caught between Goodbye and I Love You”. That’s where I’m at right now. Caught between saying goodbye to the chains of love, and saying I Love You to the one holding it, whoever he may be. And being stuck right in the middle.

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