Shoppaholic Strikes Again

I wouldn't recommend a trip to the mall when you're in a bad mood. For the past few days, I've been in such a "blah" mood that I just can't seem to shake.Furthermore, I can't seem to place my finger on what it is....or should I say I don't wanna put my finger on?!? It's kinda getting to me already and I ain't coping very well!!! I've got a sore throat coz I've eaten a whole bunch of popsicles followed by half a bag of Hershey's miniatures (thank God I remembered the incentive I said I'd give my students for a make up class...made me stop chomping on it!!!). I've been ultra super sungit too. Not just that, I'm also super duper lazy that I'm starting to feel so ashamed of myself for my incompetence at the clinic.

So today I finally finished the psych report I needed to have done for a client since eons ago and got up to drop off my mom in Starbucks. Decided to walk around the mall and just cool off. Not a very good idea...ended up shopping for a bunch of stuff I don't really need. To top it off, stuff I don't really have the cash to for.

What pisses me off more than anything is the actual truth that I'm trying to avoid...behind the shopping sprees and chocolate binges is a feeling of sadness that I can't shake off because of irrational thoughts that shouldn't really be. I said yesterday that disappointment is such a bitter pill to swallow. And like any medicine, you know you kinda have to take it even though it sucks coz without it you can't get well. In the past few weeks, I had more than enough doses of it to last me a lifetime!!! Because of being thrown off guard, I can't seem to get my bearings back. Just because of that simple disappointment (which shouldn't even be), I feel like everything I've been working for just crumbled and has lost all meaning.

What actually makes swallowing disappointment is the ring of truth behind it. Even though in my head I know things will work out for the best and that I shouldn't feel badly about things but in my heart of hearts, I feel so so so bad. In as much as I understand that things don't always go my way, and that change is a good thing, I can't help but feel hurt by the unfolding of these events. I'd probably think this is what a parent feels when her child disappoints her so badly. And though the feeling of compassion, understanding and agreement comes along, that bitter sting is still lurking inside.

It started out with one disappointment, then another came, then yet another...I sorta feel, in a small way, that the universe is conspiring against me!!! Take today's shopping spree for instance...everytime I asked for a medium in something, they'd only have large, but when I ask for large, there's only medium! In my head I know it isn't me and it's just coincidence but the whole feeling of irrationality still rears it's ugly head.

One of these thoughts that I can't seem to erase is the thought that "I'm not good enough" and "kasi ako e" (because it's me). Sorta pessimistic, sure, defeatist as well, but parang di ko maiwasan maisip na if it were someone else, then "no" would not be an answer.

We're also going through a lot of financial difficulties at work and as one of the heads, this is a big problem I have to worry about. Dealing with the financial problems is easy to bear, but what bothers me more is what people say about the way my partner and I are running things. Don't they realize that I'm giving it more than I can??? Leadership skills is not a problem for me, but being the boss is. I may not know how to balance it, or to be an effective boss, but in terms of getting the job I know I do a hell of a great job. Nevertheless, it seems not good enough. And what bothers me most is that people think I wasn't good enough. Funny thing is, these people aren't even around to see me do the job!

Haaaahhhh....on a personal level, I hate how I've gone on God knows how many first dates in the past six months and still, nothing there...and what is so dumb, stupid, crazy, insane (should I go on???) is that it's still the same damned reason why no one has still come close to getting in to where only HE still remains. And yes, the feeling of me not being good enough for him...haaay....

Like this guy, I've been missing my friends. Time, distance and relationships have made our friendships so different. Different in a good way but nonetheless, there are days when it saddens me and it makes me think about how I wish I were a bit more like them...as much as I am professionally successful, in other areas, they seem so much luckier than me. Here I am with a great career, a wonderful future, and lot's of opportunities, but at the end of the day, I'm alone while they get married, have kids, and live the dream I always had. Irrational thinking but emotionally true. I'm not complaining, and I'm sure they may feel the same way from time to time. They probably have times when they wish they have what I have but still I can't stop feeling this way on days like this.

Yes, in my head, I know it's not me. And that disappointments are part of making things better, much like the rain that washes away the gray of the day to let the rainbow shine. Nevertheless, sometimes a little too much rain is hard to deal with.

My coping skills, as I said, aren't very good. After that chocolate binge, I feel so fat and ugly. After my lousy performance in the clinic, I feel so incompetent. After everything thats gone on...the only thing I've got going is my adorable wardrobe...but I gotta fit into it first!!!

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To be edited....

There's an unmistakable chill in the air nowadays, a sure sign that Christmas is just around the corner. I just can't seem to get myself in the mood for the season...For one, it is at Christmastime that I miss one of the most important people in my life: my lolo. It's been 8 years since he's passed but I still miss him so much, especially in times like this. Secondly, I've been so overwrought with disappointments these passed few weeks that I can't shake off the irrational thoughts that came along with it.

Disappointment is such a bitter pill to swallow, even though you know you must take it to get better. It's so hard to break through the irrational thoughts, the pain and sadness, the regret and longing...I could go on and on. Times like this kinda makes me feel like the world is against me and though in my head I know it isn't so, my heart can't seem to feel the same.

Last week I had to take another dose of that bitter medicine once again, and even though I took it willingly, I couldn't help but feel so badly about it. I just hate it when things don't go the way I planned and when something like that happens, it starts to feel like a top spinning out of control. No matter how hard I try to stop it, the spinning and spiraling goes on leaving me breathless, dejected and lost. To make it worse, one thing leads to another thus complicating the situation. It's like one bad thing leads to another than to another than to another.

I can't even get my thoughts straight for this post, so I'll end it with this first. Where's my silver lining when I need it???

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Goody Two Shoes

I used to be hate being called "Goody Two Shoes". Anytime my sister and I would have an argument, she knew that calling me that would be my Achilles heel. It's not really that I dislike being a "good girl" but I dislike it being held against me. For me, there is nothing wrong with doing the right thing, right? But no matter what, when it is used as a point against you, it can bring a stinging blow to your ego.

In as much as being called a goody two shoes can be annoying, I guess that's also why I've never had "real" problems. Not that life has been perfect, but no matter how difficult things get, I always make it through. Karma? Maybe. And I guess that's also why I tend to be too gullible with people.

Tonight, however, I caught the movie Flight Plan (which was great but quite anxiety provoking!!!) made me think, why do bad things happen to good people? Although I believe that God gives us trials which He knows we can bare and that no matter how bad it is, there is a purpose, why can't He just give it to someone who "deserves" it?

I think it was epiphanous (is that a word??? maybe I should just say it was an epipahny) in terms of my thesis. In the past few weeks, I have been thinking, debating and agonizing over it. Then it dawned on me, why not pursue this question: why do bad things happen to good people? No - that's not the topic, but it is a question I am sure my target group asked at one point or another. I'm thinking of looking into the journey one takes in transition to a specific issue (haven't decided yet, but something to the effect of transition to being diagnosed with cancer or something, definitely something not widely studied yet!). Bottom line, no matter how bad things get, good people still make it through with a smile. What accounts for that? I don't really know, call it personal strengths, or self-efficacy, but it can never be denied that there is something greater then that. Some people may call it Karma, but I think it's Divine Intervention.

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The "root" of evil...

Just before logging on, I was ranting and blabbing away because I was so pissed at my grandmother. Like most Filipino families, I live with an extended family. As the only "single" apo (grandchild) left, I have the fortunate-unfortunate task of living with my grandmother. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't love my grandmother, we just don't get along. At all. Anyway, what was so darned annoying is the triviality of my annoyance this evening...it started with pandesal. I don't get the idea of having to lock up food in her room refrigerator where it is so inconvenient to get some when we have a big one in the kitchen. I never got the concept of "our" food in regards to the maids. In the Philippines, most homes have maids and for some reason, there is a clear distinction between "our" food and "their" food. This is something I can never understand...anyway, it pissed me off that she refused to listen to my point about it being inconvenient and difficult, as well as insulting, that she has to keep the food away for fear that the maids take it. For me, it's just food. And I'd like to believe our maids are not that trivial that they'd risk thier jobs for a piece of bread, right??? So there I was ranting and raving when I read Doubleknot's blog on getting mad. It made me think of a comment my friend made just last night.

I've been out of commission for a few days because of a horribly, terribly painful toothache. I had gone in for a simple dental procedure when my dentist accidentally hit a nerve. Although it is a possible side effect or complication that occurs, it doesn't erase the fact that I was in extreme agony. I actually am still in quite some pain now and the difficult part is that pain relievers are not offering much relief anymore. My nerves are screaming for morphine!!!! In the height of my suffering, I said "what have I done to deserve this torture???" my friend replied: "it's karma for your evilness". When I asked her to explain, she said it's karma for my inability to hold my tongue. She said this was a reminder that I need to keep my tongue in check because I tend to let it get the better of me. When I stop and think about it, she may be right, hehehe. I guess for me, my mouth is "the root of all evil"...and though I am not saying I will not verbalize my anger anymore, I can try to be a little more cautious in ranting away...after all, the tongue can be a double edged sword. Likewise, once hurtful, angry words are said, it can never be taken away.

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Sisters

I was just thinking today about family...more particularly of sisterhood. I recently "lost" my sister to the land of dreams (a.k.a. the land of the free and the home of the brave). Since yesterday's ratty old day, I realized that I do miss my sister a lot. I miss having someone to make utos (ask favors from) or someone to gripe about my lousy day, or to take out my frustration on...etcetera etcetera. It rang especially true today. I was in the clinic earlier and right below it is a Starbucks (this whole working scenario may not be such a brilliant idea...I end up getting another cup of that expensively yummy coffee!!!). When I went in to get my coffee, I was so glad to see that their Christmas promo had started ---for every coffee you get, you get a sticker and when you collect 21, you get this really cute planner. I've been doing it for three years now and what hit me is this time, I gotta do it alone. My sister isn't here to add to my card anymore...

Another reason I missed my sister today is because of these sweet pair of sisters who keep tabs on my blog. I was thinking (before reading their latest posts) that they were so lucky they had a good relationship and that they actually had fun togeter. It was a comfort (well, that may not be the right word to contextualize it...sorry!) to read that they were not as close as they are now growing up. Makes me hopeful that fifteen, twenty years from now, my sister and I would be like them.

Much as I miss my sister, I won't deny that in someways, I'm glad she's gone. She and I never really had a great relationship, but we were always there for each other. Still, having her gone is a relief because when we were together, it was like Pinatubo erupting daily!!! Now that she's gone, we are in better terms. Better coz we actually "talk" now --- no longer about what needs to be done, what bills to pay, etc but about what we think, feel and hope.

Another reason I'm glad she's gone is because she is there living her dreams. I am lucky that I am living mine here. If she stayed, she'd never spread her wings and embrace her dreams. I guess you can say we were dreaming on different ends of a rainbow. Like rainbows, we may not always see the end, but we know that somewhere, somehow, we'll make it to the top of the rainbow and see that all this time, we were in the same one.

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Ratty Old Rags

In my closet is a ratty old pair of Pooh underwear that I've had for the longest time. For some reason, I still can't throw it out. Before your imagination gets the better of you, let me qualify my statement: it's not like Pooh is a rag or really frumpy, it's just big and a bit thinned out already from wear and tear. It's not like it's all butas-butas (has holes in it), but it's gotten to the point that it's quite see-through and really, really comfy! It's the kind of thing you pull out on a day that you kinda feel low, or perhaps just want to zone out. I love putting it on whenever it's that time of the month because it's so comfortable, which helps when you're all cramped up and cranky.

When I first lost my "twin" (a.k.a. my jaw-dropping eighty pound weight loss) I got rid of all my "fat" clothes, but not Pooh! He's still there. Lately, I kinda feel like that pair of underwear.

You know how it's like...when it's all new and pretty, it's worn almost as soon as it's out of the wash. But as it gets older and newer, prettier things come out, it gets left inside the drawer and brought out only once in a while.

I feel like a ratty, old rag nowadays because my friends are all so busy and caught up with their own lives that feel like I've been left inside that drawer more and more frequently. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame my friends (or their boyfriends for that matter) for them not having time to share with me. In fact, I'm sure when I am in my own relationship again as well, I might do the same thing. I may understand completely, but that doesn't change the fact that I miss them and the fun we had hanging out over endless cups of Starbucks.

I kinda felt like that today. I really needed to get a new pair of shoes. As in desperately need a new pair. Lecturing for three and a half hours in my stilletos are killing me already. So since I was in the Cubao area getting some important documents from the clinic, I decided to ask my friends to come with me and help me find a pair of shoes in Galleria. Granted that I asked them quite late, they already had plans. Again, let me say I didn't mind that they had plans, nor did I resent them. It just stank that I was (once again) left alone.

I never used to feel this way. In fact, when I was growing up (until now I guess), I was a bit of a loner. I had a lot of friends, but very few got to know the real me. I did everything on my own and managed well. It was so much easier to do things that way. No need to answer to anyone, worry about anyone, think about anyone...or be disappointed by anyone. Then sometime in therapy, I realized it was so much nicer to have friends around and that even if I run the risk of "rejection", it's worth it. Days like this though make me wonder what I was thinking...sure it was a little, itty-bitty thing...but nonetheless, I kinda felt that little sting of rejection today. Irrational, maybe. Premenstrual, highly likely. Overly sensitive, I guess. Bottom line is I just miss the whole gang.

There is a bright spot to this dismal feeling I'm having today, though. Just as that ratty old rag gives me comfort when it does make it's way out of the closet, I'm sure that when we do get together, the comfort and harmony of our friendship will still be there. And not just that, I know that no matter how many new things come into this closet, I am here to stay. I don't think a lacey new thong can say the same with 100% certainty!

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Simple Abundance

Earlier this evening I got to thinking about how blessed I am...in so many countless ways. I kinda realized that I've been complaining and whining too much in this particular blog I've been keeping! I'm not usually like this, but I guess the total anonymity of blogging is comforting that I just started ticking away. With my other blog, I know who are reading them. Here, I didn't really think much of it! Anyways, I decided to post a piece I wrote a couple of weeks ago. This is what I'm made of...not just angst and all! I was really glad when my friend Cookie told me that it helped her make a big change in her life.
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Tonight I was watching the Oprah show and I was once again reminded that despite all the things I don't have, I am SO BLESSED. I often complain about not having enough money for the things I want or the things I think I need. I whine and bitch about how much better I'd feel "if only i had this".
Then I realized, I do have enough. Actually, more than enough. In tonights episode, Oprah and her staff talked about memorable episodes and one of them talked about their trip to South Africa where they met a woman who was dying of AIDS and was not being treated for it because they did not have the drugs needed to cure her. Even though I see this everyday (children in the street begging, families sleeping in the streets, etc.), it hit a chord in me today.

I have so much to be thankful for...and yes, it is often so much easier to complain about the things I don't have than to be grateful for what I have. But I'm lucky I don't have to worry about the "big" things --- what I'm gonna eat, where I'm gonna sleep, if I'm gonna have the things I need for survival. I do worry about what I'm gonna wear but it's not like it's a matter of life or death!

Lately I've been thinking of my financial future and all, which is probably why the show hit me the way it did. My cousins and I have long been discussing choices in terms of career and financial stability, especially when my sister left for the US. I will admit that as much as I love being an educator, I can't help but feel so small beside my cousins (as well as friends) who are in the corporate world or in business and have sizable bank accounts to show their worth. I have thought many times about just giving up teaching and going in to business, particularly since I am said to have a knack for sales, but I just can't. I do think about how with one sale of real estate I can make a huge commission that equates to years of my salaries put together, but I have to ask myself if I can actually do it. Sometimes I think of just joining all my friends in the call center industry and rake in the money but even though I know a career change is going to be a financially wise decision, I still chose to teach. I used to think it was because of the fact that I am already so comfortable with what I do that I choose not to try new things, but I now beg to disagree. Even though people keep telling me that teachers (and therapists) are in big demand in the States and that I wouldn't have a problem getting in if I wanted to, I don't want to leave. Heck, I gave up my greencard and chose to remain in the Philippines despite the financial instability and bleak future! It's not that I'm being selfless or a martyr or whatever, but I just am so blessed to do the work I do. I love my profession and I am proud to be an educator! When I really think about it, I can honestly say that I love my job! I may complain about having to wake up so early in the morning after a night of partying or whatever, but I don't wake up saying "oh shit! I gotta go to work today!!!".

I think my cousin Guita summed it up really well during one of our family conferences. We were all seated at our dining table after yet another one of her promotions and our titas were encouraging me and our other cousin Andy to consider going into real estate as well. Though she could not technically hire us to work for her, with Guits at the helm, she definitely would lead us to the right people so we can also find our way up to success. All of a sudden she said, "...pero si Ri, hindi ko na pipilitin to change jobs. Not everyone can teach and if I could, I would. Taas kamay ako with what she does". Those may not be her exact words but that's what really made me finally be proud of my job. That came from our most successful cousin and one of the most powerful women I personally know. I have many times wished I was as successful as her and that I, too, could have a salary with so many zeros I'd probably forget how to read the figure right (alam naman nating palpak ako sa math, hehehe). But with her comment, I felt like I had won the career lotto. And finally, I felt like I, too, had made a wise career choice.

I guess even if my bank account is next to nothing and my monthly paycheck has just enough zeros for simple reading, my net worth is so much more than the peso value. As much as money is admittedly important and undoubtedly great to have, I am lucky to have so much despite having a little. I might not be an heiress but I'm comfortable. I can do a lot of things others can only dream of, and I have things that I can live without. Not everyone can say that...

As I end this tonight and head to my bed to lay my head on a pillow, I say thank you for my abundant blessings, simple as they may be. For me, I have what I need and more. I'm not just living a subsistent life. Whatever more comes is not anymore the "cake" of my survival; rather, all these Bayo and Kamiseta outfits, trips to Boracay, my car, my jobs and everything else, is the icing to a cake I am so blessed and honored to have.

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Sunshine!

Got a comment on my earlier post about prince charming not existing. Actually, the second from the same person. It kinda got me to thinking (or should I say believing again?) that there are really no such things as coincidences. Rather, they are reminders that life is good, and that although I am in control of my destiny, I do not do it alone. Strangely, too, is that the lady commenting on my blog also lived here in the Philippines for some time. It was comforting to know that in this big world we live in, one is really never alone.

So as I read through her comments, I had to smile to myself and say that inspite of all the daily hassles and endless routines, I am so blessed to have the chance to keep on doing all these things. The sad thing is I keep getting caught in the busyness of the day and the aches and pains of daily living that I forget to look at the ray of sunshine that is always there, albeit at times hiding behind the clouds.

It's funny. I am a psychologist. As such, I'm supposed to help them see through the dark days, guide them towards the path of wellness and inner peace. But a lot of times, I forget to do that myself. I'm glad that there are little brusts of sunshine like my nameless "angel" that reminds me of how simply blessed I am.

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Prince Charming doesn't exist

Yet another halloween filled with countless costumes of princesses and fairies...hmmm...how nice it is to be young and filled with fairy tales of Prince Charming and Happily Ever After...let's see how long that lasts!!!

If there's one important lesson I've learned in the past few months, it's that Prince Charming does not exist. and to believe in a Prince Charming is delusional! don't get me wrong, I'm not being a cynic, I'm just being realistic. I've wasted so much time (and tears, might I add) over Prince Charming's that turned into frogs.

Maybe that's what's wrong with me and relationships. I think I've just gotten so darned wrapped up in the "happily ever after" that I am not able to appreciate the present. In many ways I've been the girl love songs are written for. From One Hello to Fallin' down to the Carpenter's Caught Between Goodbye and I Love You...they all are anthems of my heart. The dreams and wishes of a fairytale love spun somewhere over the rainbow seems so perfect and easy, but what they keep forgetting to tell everyone is that there's so much more between the lines that are untold. Getting caught in those blurred lines is what burns more than anything!

My friends tell me I kinda set my standards too high. Let me get that straight. It isn't that they're too high, it's that I think I've patterned them after storybook endings, thus it remains elusive. I guess it's one thing to have ideals and standards, but I think I gotta keep it real. I can still dream and believe in a "wish come true" but I now dream my own dreams. Created my own happy ending, if I may say so. Maybe this time it will be the way it's supposed to be: the frog turns into my prince.

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Let Freedom Ring!

Yey! I can sing "Let freedom ring"!!! (is that the right lyric, by the way??? hehehe)...all I can say is I finally broke through the chains of laziness and procrastination and finally finished my psych report. poor patient of mine waited so long for that...poor me in trouble with my supervisor again hehehe!!!

Had a massage earlier (tsk..tsk...talk about prioritzing!) and realized that my "down" bout right now is probably due to the weather --- or more correctly the season. can't believe it's almost christmas....

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