January 29, 2006


When Bubba first came into our home, I said there was no way I was gonna like him. After all, I hate dogs. I hate the fact that they’re so dirty and smelly, I hate the way they’re all slobbery and messy, I hate how they ruin everything around…I could go on forever. But as the days progressed, the little creature slowly worked his way into my heart. Much as I didn’t wanna admit it, it made me smile when he’d come running to the gate when I’d come home from a long day’s work. Whenever he’d do a trick I’d teach him, it made me feel a bit glad. Still, even with those minor concessions, I still wasn’t ready to admit I was smitten.

Then one night while we were taking a walk, I realized it was not really “Bubba” that I said I wouldn’t like. In many ways, I chose not to allow him into my heart because by doing so, I would set myself up for another goodbye somewhere down the road. I’ve had to say goodbye too many times in my life already, and I didn’t need another one. Why set myself up for the pain and sadness that ultimately comes in the end? It has always been difficult for me to form attachments to people, especially those I wasn’t sure would stick around to begin with. It’s no surprise I was a champion for the Single Since Birth Club for the longest time. Furthermore, I've been disappointed by people too many times already. Why add another one to my list?

It's not like I'm a loner or anything like that, but I never really allow anyone to come too close unless I was sure they were for keeps. In fact, till this day, it is a struggle for me to open my arms and embrace new people and opportunities that come my way. Surprising isn’t it? After all, I myself would admit I don’t look like I’d be the shy type. I guess it’s like the way I try not to show how I really feel. Unless you know the real “me”, you’d never know how much I’ve been through because you might not see past the mask of confident kakikayan and the assuming aura of “the cono rich kid” that I’m so often mistaken for! Furthermore, often times, people don’t get to see beyond the persona of the intelligent achiever, the roles I play and the “titles” I wear. It seems that my accomplishments speak too loudly for themselves that others don’t see beyond them. However, when one sees beyond the façade, they see that I’m just a simple girl who just wants the simplest thing many people take for granted.

I never realized though that because I kept on putting up a wall to shield myself from potential losses, I shut myself out from potential gains as well. Maybe risks aren’t that bad…after all, I so often take risks professionally why not personally as well? And though none of these offer any guarantees, the possible payoff might be worth the risk.

Also, much like the stinking, slobbering dog I swore to hate, loving and living isn't always gonna be neat and perfect. Along the way, I realize there will be a lot of stinky messed up moments that may be disgusting, diappointing or frustrating. But what good will a perfect life be if it were all alone?

Okay, okay, I begrudgingly admit it...I have fallen again. This time, I'm not afraid of making the mistake and of the hurt that may come along with it. Who knows, maybe this time, it wouldn't end that way. And maybe, just maybe, I won't be alone anymore. No matter what happens though, even if I ended up with a goodbye down the road, I wouldn't be completely alone because of what I have gained along the way. to continue reading...

January 25, 2006

If you only knew...

If you only knew what lies behind this painted mask, you would understand. You'd understand that there's so much left unseen.
If you only knew what hides behind the shadows of my smile, you would see it isn't there. You'd see the tears left uncried.
If you only knew that behind the shield of this warrior lays a scared little girl who's too afraid to admit she can't....
she can't let go...
she can't be brave...
she can't keep on pretending...
but till then, inside she shall remain,
hidden from the truth.
Hiding from reality.
Struggling to break free. to continue reading...

January 12, 2006

Stuck in A Rut

It's the new year and yet I feel like I got left behind in 2005. I don't know what it is, or why it is so but for some inexplicable reason, I can’t shake it off. It’s not that I’m feeling sorry for myself or am falling into another round of self-pity, but it just feels like I can’t find pleasure in anything I am doing now, well, save for the new class I’m handling. What I’m getting at is that it feels like I’m falling back into old patterns, going through the motions again and living life in a cycle that never seems to end. Well, as much as I know life is a cycle that keeps on going, I just kinda feel like I’m stuck in this rut, not moving forward, not going anywhere, but hopelessly, helplessly stuck. I can’t even get motivated enough to get back to work, or to uphold the standards I usually set for myself. Everything I’ve been doing in the past few weeks have been mediocre and half-hearted. Purpose seems to have lost meaning right now.The last time I felt like this I ended up in the hospital and losing eighty pounds. The weight loss may have been worth the while, but nonetheless, I hate this feeling.

I was just telling Kai the other day that sometimes, friendster doesn’t really help with this feeling. Especially now that my friends are all getting married (yes, Mons, I’ll get a nice dress!!!), Kai just bought her own home, Iris had another baby, Che and Angie are almost done with med school…haaayyy…and I feel like I’m still in the same place they left me. It’s like, what have I done or what have I got to show for myself. Worse still, who do I have to show this to. In a small way, yeah, I guess it’s feeling sorry for myself.
It’s not that I think I haven’t done anything worthwhile, but moments like this make me question my decisions in life --- personally, professionally, emotionally. Have I really made the right ones? Or am I just sticking to the decisions I’ve made because I don’t wanna admit I made a mistake? Take for example how I’ve always said I don’t mind being single because it gives me the freedom to do things I want to do, when I want to do it, etcetera etcetera. I kinda wonder sometimes how much I really mean that and how much I use it to cover up for feeling bad for myself for not having someone to share my life with. Similarly, although I love my job and enjoy being a teacher, sometimes I ask if I keep teaching really because I love it or because I love the comfort of knowing I am good at what I do. Don’t get me started on the financial part of it too!!! Even though I know I can never buy fulfillment, I still have to ask myself if I am fulfilled even without the financial comfort I know I can have it I left the country or did something else. I guess that’s why I keep holding on to people, places and things I know I should let go of. And probably why I still haven’t gotten my heart back --- not just to love others but to love myself again.
What I hate most about this feeling is that not only does it make me question myself, it makes me doubt my entire psyche. Not only that, it makes me feel like I’m so alone. I went out with my best friends last night and even that wasn’t enough to pull me out of this rut I’m in. I know it’s not them, but I just couldn’t find something to be happy about. I was glad to have the change to be with them again but the feeling of insecurity kept creeping in.
It’s like an endless cycle, the discussion I’m having in my head. The whole I know “everything happens for a reason” and the “all these makes me a better person” yadiyadiya…
I’m starting to think in rhetorics and philosophizing sure as hell doesn’t do much. I just know that despite these depressive, downed feelings, I know everything I’ve done or been through are important facets of who I am now. Doesn’t make it any simpler to accept or what, but nevertheless, it’s what keeps me afloat.
I feel like a used up computer with a virus right now and the only solution I can think of is hitting reboot or getting reformatted. But how can I reformat just the bad part and not lose the important stuff? to continue reading...

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