Invisible?
In an episode of Grey's Anatomy, one of the characters asked, "If I went missing, would anyone notice? ". When I first heard it, I disregarded it and claimed it was cheesy. However lately, I've kinda been asking that question. Maybe it was the birthday blues (or should I now call it post-birthday blues?), but for the past month, I've had this overwhelming feeling of being invisible.
While I will admit that I'm not a very sociable, extroverted individual, I couldn't help but feel that my social circles were shrinking to almost non-exisistent. It's like if I vanished, no one, except probably my dog, would notice. Sure, people see me, but they only see the me on the outside. They see me as an extension of my things, my accomplishments....but not as me. It's like I've been existing in my own world, taking care of myself and facing everything independently.
While I do value that independence and, dare I say, power, I can't help but wish sometimes, someone would be there with me. Not necessarily to do things for me, but to do things with me. I'm not talking about a "knight-in-shining-whatever" here --- I just mean I'm tired of doing things alone. While I do have friends, it often feels that I am doing things FOR them. Further, I feel like an old nightshirt that is stuffed at the back of the closet, drawn out occasionally. Admittedly, it's not that I'm asked to do things for others, and its perhaps my absurd need to please others all the time, but sometimes I wish I could see that I do have some degree of value or importance. I wish that people made an effort for me sometimes. More importantly, I wish they saw me more for who I really am, and not WHAT I am. That I do have feelings, and although they may not understand where it comes from, its there.
While it was said in jest a long time ago that I was not asked to be bridesmaid at someone's wedding because it would cost more to have a dress made for me compared to having one made for someone skinnier, it cut me to the core. It was as if, in my perception, that I was just not good enough.Similarly, someone at work jokingly said that I'd have to live a love life vicariously because I'd probably never get married, I felt like I was simple not worth much. As immature as it is, it hurt so badly that I spent my birthday alone, even though I did recieve text messages and birthday greetings. It's selfish, sure, but it just felt that to the people who mattered to me, I was on the back-burner and that there were just too many things more important than I was. Even though I know it was unintentional, when I was not included in transportation plans for a recent event, I felt terrible. Again, it was assumed that I would be okay on my own. Put it this way, when I said I was feeling down and depresseed recently, someone retorted "This coming from someone who just bought a new car AND a mac". Yes, I am lucky I was able to do that and that I could afford it. But what hurt was being told this with so much sarcasm, as if because I had things come more easily than others do, I had no right to feel sad. It felt like a slap on the face; a total invalidation of my feelings.
Cognitively I know it's irrational, but feelings-wise, it's been hard to reconcile. In my head I know it's my unconscious need for affirmation, or perhaps attention, and a need to be liked by others. It's difficult to understand, even for myself, and yes, I know to many extents its so childish and pathetic. Maybe it's the inner child in me, or perhaps the wounded soul...but I need someone to take care of me too. I need to know I'm not invisible, and that I'm not simply remembered in passing. It's not necessarily being TOLD that I am remembered, I just wish I could see that I am appreciated and wanted. As someone once said, the best conversations you could have would be those with a friend, sitting on a bench, without saying a word at all. You just know you're not invisible.
