I was thinking. Maybe it's time to just grab the paddles, make eveyone and everything stay clear, and just jump start my life again. Then again, maybe it's not that I've gone flat-line. Perhaps it's more like I'm stuck on a respirator, breathing in and out, but not really "living". Occasional blips on the monitor, but generally, a slow steady beat. Predictable. Undeniably predictable.
There's only one problem. I can't do it alone.
For some reason, even though I try desperately to schedule things and manage my time well, it feels like I can never get things under control. It's like no matter what I do, there's too much to do. It's not like I do too much, but for some reason, time seems to keep slipping through my hands. In many ways it comes across as a cosmic joke, seriously.
I used to be good at this, managing to keep my life on track, I mean. But time seems to have stopped for me five years ago. Since then, I've been caught, trapped in it's web. I'd move forward at times, but there's a force that seems to be sucking me back in to that moment in time, and no matter how I've tried to jump start it, it keeps getting stuck. In the words of, yes --- once again, my new addiction, Meredith Grey, "...time takes pleasure in kicking our asses. For even the strongest of us it seems to play tricks. Slowing down...hovering...until it freezes, leaving us stuck in a moment, unable to move in one direction or the other".
Five years ago I knew where I was going. I knew what it is I wanted and I knew what it was I was capable of. Today, no matter how many bright and new shiny toys I have, I have no idea who I am. I have no idea where I am, nor where it is I want to go. All I know is that I'm hovering, frozen in that moment of time...unable to move forward, unable to go back.
As trivial as it may seem, I was incredibly stressed out by the last episode of Grey's Anatomy. The clincher of it all was the fact that I wasn't even watching the actual episode, as it is not yet showing here in Manila. I've been satisfying my addiction with transcripts of episodes, and while it's not as great as watching the actual show, it feeds the urge esepecially since I have no choice but to wait for it to show (or perhaps pirated dvd's hehe).
Anyway, in the last episode, as many may know Meredith Grey dies. Like a bunch of other addicts who waste their time going through blogs and spoilers of the show, I wish that it's not a real death. Then again, at this point I can only speculate.
Going back to yesterday, I was really overwhelmingly wigged out by the twist in this darned three-part episode! Natatawa na nga ako sa sarili ko because it's so silly to be affected by a television show! Nevertheless, I'm anxiously waiting for the next episode to see what happens next.
Now that I've slept through it, I realize that maybe I feel this way because I resonate with her dark and twisty world. Granted that it's a television show and Meredith Grey is merely a character, the uncanny wisdom that the writers have granted her has been a source of inspiration for me.
In the last episode, her narration went something like "There's so much more I wanted to say but...I disappeared". That struck a chord in me because as I said in my last blog, I got lost in my world of denial. And yes, there's still so much I wanted --- and needed--- to say but I never had the chance to. Because of this, I just denied the feelings existed, pretended I wasn't hurt and painted on a smile to cover up the tears. In the process, "I" disappeared. Behind that veiled happiness, I lost a part of me who knew what it was I wanted, what it was I was about...who I was on the inside. In many ways it felt like I was drowning in a sea of misery and though my head is above water, no one understands why I can't get myself out. The thing is, much as I'd like to get out I can't. Sometimes I do believe I can, but most of the time, I just wanna forget about it and sink to the bottom and just cease living a sad and pointless existence.
Maybe Meredith drowning and going on to the great beyond is a wake-up call. It's like what they say about having your entire life flash before your eyes for you to realize what it is you have. And through this experience, you appreciate your life more. My friend said maybe this whole Grey-thing is a way for her "to wake up and stop being a loser". Well, maybe she's right. In the same way, maybe it's time for me to stop feeling like a loser even though things aren't the way I want them to be. After all, it's bound to get better. And though I may feel that I have disappeared, maybe I really haven't. Despite the fact that I feel unheard and lost, the world does see me. In whatever small way, my voice is still heard in this vast universe.
It's been months since my last blog, and it does indeed feel like I've lost all sense of creative spirit in me. It's like a well that got dried up. Or perhaps a watering hole in the midst of a hot, hot summer waiting for the monsoon to come. Perhaps there will be a deluge of words flowing soon. I sure hope so, as I'm starting to feel parched, literally. It's like I haven't had the time to sit down and reflect on what it is I'm thinking and feeling.
How do I sum this up?!? I guess bottom line it's that I allowed myself to once again get caught in a rut and just let myself fester there, without really meaning to. It's kinda like a line in my new favorite addiction, Grey's Anatomy...It’s easy to suggest a quick solution, when you don’t know much about the problem or you don’t understand the underlying cause or just how deep the wound is. The first step toward a real cure is to know exactly what the disease is to begin with. But that’s not what people want to hear. We're supposed to forget the past that led us here, ignore the future complications that might arise and go for the quick fix...And that's just what I did. All the pain, discontent and dissatisfaction I was feeling, I ignored. Slapped on a band-aid we call work and doused it with alcohol (literally hehe) and just let it be. Ignored the tugging at the heart strings. Denied the longing. And yes, lied that I was okay.
It’s been what, four years? Five? Since then I’ve never really regained my footing after my freefall. The freefall to the unknown that left me so jaded and bewildered. While yes, I did make resolutions and did reconcile certain aspects of that period of my life, but I lost a part of me then. The part of me that loved myself and actually knew what it meant to be loved. Not necessarily in the romantic way, but in the truest sense. I let the disease of cynicism and bitterness eat me whole. Yes, once again it came back and overrun me.
In the past few years, I found myself slipping back to old habits. Eating, sleeping, overdoing things…and letting myself go. It’s time to rip of the band-aid and just take the time to heal. And in the words of Meredith Grey, “…as human beings, we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. And just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts. And knocks you off your feet. If you’re lucky, you’ll end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But, some wounds are deeper than they first appear and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip off the band-aid, let them breathe, and give them time to heal.” .
Time. It’s time to heal and let this hurt scab over. And this time, no more picking on the wound.
