Walking Down the Aisle...

Yesterday I once again wiled away time even though I knew I had so much to do. As I sat in front of my computer desperately trying to get my thoughts together for some (or should I say "all"...)the work I had to accomplish, I aimlessly surfed through blog after blog and friendster account after friendster account...it dawned on me that so many of my friends have updated their profiles and changed their pictures...while I am happy to see how backgrounds change from the ordinary day to day to beautiful sights of tourist spots they're in, to new mommies and daddies proudly showing off their babies or perhaps, showing off their children's latest accomplishments, and yes, to radiant brides walking down the aisle and kissing their handsome princes, I couldn't help but suddenly feel a sad sort of longing....not longing really for what they have, but longing for that thing that will make my heart sing again. It's not necessarily a new love I am longing for, I think...but for that feeling of giddy anticipation and bright-eyed wonder. I seem to have forgotten that. In my quest to be the best in what I do and to accomplish things I thought I wanted to, I forgot to embrace the present and smile at the new day. In many ways, I started wandering aimlessly around a world I knew nothing of.

In the midst of that lonely moment of longing, I saw a glimmer of a rainbow that hid behind the clouds for such a long time. You see, I hadn't seen that for so long. It dawned on me that all the while it was there but I kept trying too hard and too much for it to be the color I wanted it to be. I kept on criticizing and complaining that it was not the right shade or it wasn't the right shape, without realizing that I was missing out on the beauty it still had.

So there it was, I was feeling sad and teary-eyed wishing for things I didn't have without being glad for what it was I had. And so while I offer my congratulations and best wishes to friends and family who are "walking down the aisle" --- be it in marriage, at work or whatever phase they are in in their own journeys, I too take pride in donning my finest and walking down my aisle...wherever that may lead.

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Leap of Faith

I recently found myself at a crossroad, unsure of what I should do or how I feel or even who I am. All I knew was that I was spinning out of control. For someone like me, that 's very hard to admit. I may not he the type to keep my room or car neat and tidy but when it comes to the way things are in my life, I just need to know that everything is working the way it "ought to be". It doesn't necessarily have to be alright, it just has to be the way it's supposed to be. I guess having things "the way they should be" allows me a sense of security in the otherwise unsafe, unsure world. As such, it provides me a level of comfort that truly makes it easier to deal with things around me. Simply knowing what is expected and what my role in these gives me a sense of assurance, especially since I need to know I'm doing well. So just imagine how hard that was for me to just shut my eyes and just take that leap of faith...and to finally admit that I CAN’T.

There are a few words in the English language that I have trouble saying: first is NO. Second, I need help; last but not the least is I can't. However, the past few weeks was filled with those three phrases. It was driving me up the wall. It had gotten to the point when I didn’t even wanna get up in the morning anymore. All I felt was like a dark cloud was coming over me, taking over everything in sight and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see the light.

So there I was in the midst of trying to figure out whether or not I should step into the unknown and unsure or to stick with the safe and secure.Then by sheer coincidence, I chanced upon a song by last years’ American Idol, Carrie Underwood. The song was “Jesus Take the Wheel” and though it was the first time I heard it, for some reason it struck a chord in me. It made me realize that the reason why I was struggling was because I kept insisting on doing it “my way”, or the way I thought “it ought to be”. I kept on driving the way I wanted, even if it was across the wrong freeway.

That stubbornness and insistence on keeping things the way they were became like a rock tied to my ankle. As it dragged me deeper and deeper into the ocean I could no longer fight. I always thought of myself as a survivor: a fighter, a swimmer – a strong person. But no matter how strong swimmer I was or how good I fighter I was, I was facing my greatest opponent yet: myself.

Finally my head bobbed above water and I found a buoy I could hang on to. And my gosh, I hung to it as hard as I could. It was Jesus, reminding me that even if I had let go of His hand and insisted on driving myself. And so that’s what I did. I held on tight and gave up control of the wheel and allowed Jesus to just take it from me. When I did, it felt like that I dropped that weight and broke through the surface. With a big gulp of air and the glorious sunshine once more caressing my face, I felt safe. I found peace and for the first time in so long, slept the whole night through.

I gave up my job, not knowing what’s in store. Of course I will admit that in some small way, I have a fall-back what with my undergrad classes and clinical work. But nevertheless, I gave up my main job. The one that really paid the bills and made sure I had what I needed. I guess for so long I’ve slathered on so much icing on my cake, that I don’t even know what my cake really looks like anymore. So slowly I’m taking it off in the hopes that once more, I find the “me” who got lost in oblivion.

I will not deny that I still am afraid, and that doubts slowly creep in, but nevertheless, I know I am in good hands. However, a lot of times it is hard to just believe that things will go well even though in my heart I know it’s true. I guess that’s really what taking the plunge, the leap of faith, is truly all about.

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Jesus, Take the Wheel(James/Lindsey/Sampson)

She was drivin' last friday on her way to cincinnati

On a snow white Christmas EveGoin' home to see her Momma and her Daddy

With her baby in a back seat

Fifty miles to go and she was runnin' low

On faith and gasolineIt'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention

She was goin' way too fast

Before she knew it she was spinnin on thin black sheet of glass

She saw both their lives flash before her eyesShe didn't even have time to cry

She was so scared, she threw her hands up in the air

(Chorus)

Jesus take the wheel

Take it from my hands'

Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go

Give me one more chance

Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder and that car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the back seat sleepin' like a rock
For the first time in a long time she bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the wayI've been livin' my lifeI know I've got to change
So from now on tonight
(Repeat chorus)

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It's Complicated

People around me ask, "are you with anyone now?" or "are you in a relationship" and I reply, "It's complicated"...how can one honestly give away her heart when she has none to give? Perhaps this whole blog is an addendum to a previous post (A Lifetime) but I guess, the best answer I can give right now for that question is just that: ITS COMPLICATED...in fact...it's more complicated than I can even understand. All I know is, I once gave my heart away, or so I thought I did, and up to now, it never found its way back to me.

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Always Greener

A few days ago, I finally caught one of my best friends online. It has been years since we've really talked and chatting with her kinda brought me back to when things were so much simpler...when all we worried about was passing the geom finals or physics exam (well, at least I worried hehehe, she never had that problem ;-p )...when problems were limited to not having enough allowance for a movie and popcorn...and when everything could be solved by a bag of Taco Bell or Nacho Cheese Doritos and a bottle of Tequila...

It hit me (or if I may say so, us) that life right now has not just gotten more complicated, but it seems that it has lost it's sense of completion. What I mean here is not that life has lost its purpose, but it seems to have lost a tangible goal in sight. A goal that would actually mean a "finish" to something. Unlike when we we're younger, we had a finish line in sight, be it graduation, finishing college, earning a masters degree, getting a job, or marriage. Now, it's like no matter how hard you work and how much money you make, there's no end in sight. Like she asked, then what? Have kids, they get older, move out, then we're back to where we started...asking "now what???".

A conclusion we arrived at is that, no matter how cliche it sounds, the grass is alway greener in the other pasture. It's not that we don't appreciate the grass around us, it just seems that when you look up, something looks better somewhere else. Take for example the two of us. She's in the States making a great future for herself....earning well, settling down with a husband, buying her first home...but she still admits she hasn't found out what it is she really wants. Likewise, here I am making a great future for myself...sure no husband, no great future or new home, but a career I am proud of and dedicated to, but admittedly still searching for that thing to make it all complete.

That night, I had a strange dream. I dreamt I entered a mall and went window shopping. I saw so many things I wanted and sure I purchased a few items but there was still so much I wanted that I didn't have enough for. When closing time came, I got ready to walk to my car. Thing is, I couldn't find my way to the parking lot where my car is. It seemed that every where I looked, there was a better exit to take. One that was the safest, the nearest, etc. But everytime I took that exit, it was wrong. It was like the exit was always across from where I was.

It's been a few days since then and it hasn't really left me. It just hit me that maybe my dream had some connection to our conversation. I think that we, as humans, kinda get sidetracked by so much that seems better up ahead that we don't sit back and enjoy the present. We work so hard to make more money, to be the best, to reach the finish line...then when we get there we realize, now what?

What I learned from this is that yes, the grass may seem always be greener somewhere else. As it should be. If everything was the same, then what purpose would we have in life then? We'd just be living for subsistence, wouldn't we? But this time instead of getting consumed with the question of how to get to the place where the grass is greener, we should think about how we can make our grass greener too. Maybe it never will be as green as other pastures, but then again, maybe that's only from our jaded lenses.

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